We all have relationships that we know are bad for us and yet we still keep them. One such relationship of mine is with someone I was involved with in the past. To be fair, we’re still sort of involved but not quite in the same way. It’s complicated, to say the least.
The best way I can put it is that although I have come to terms with the fact that he and I have no future together, I am still unable to shut him out of my life. He held, and still holds, a significant place in my heart. It’s like he is heroin and I am a junkie. I know he is bad for me and yet, I still hold onto him. This, despite the amount of dramas and problems I’ve gone through because of him. I, oddly, feel comfortable when I am with him. Yes, insert bitter laughter here… My earth-shaker is also my safe harbour.
It all boils down to perceptions and expectations… (and in our case, communication.)
I believe our largest problem lies in the fact that we both have different terms and each is too stubborn to cleave to the other’s terms. I wanted a relationship with him. He wanted a friendship with a little extra on the side but that was about it.
I wasted a whole year of my life running after him. I had my pride and wanted desperately to make something right out of a mistake. Even though I was sinking faster than an anchor weighed at sea, I still clung on desperately, long even after I was already drowning. All I got for my troubles was a lot of heartache that, on hind-sight, was self-inflicted.
For the longest time, he had the power to make me feel really shit because I carried the perception that to him, I was someone that came under the category of “good enough to f*ck but not good enough to date” and I often felt that I was not a priority with him at all. To be fair, I don’t think he holds me quite in that light but it’s often hard to change your beliefs if you are wallowing in a good bout of self-pity. Given such entrenched beliefs, I can’t really blame the guy for not trying to say anything because he knows I’m just stubborn enough to not believe him.
He’s always maintained that through it all, the dramas and the melodramas, he’s always thought I’m a cool person and that we’re friends throughout. The problem lies in that it is often difficult to separate the benefits side of a “friends with benefits” relationship from the actual friendship. I would say that girls, especially with their more emotional tendencies, have greater difficulties in doing this. The friendship is separate from the physical aspects but yet, it is difficult for a girl to do this. I would actually say that being friends with the person you get physical with (outside of an actual relationship) is really not advisable. But we’re all young and stupid once and some of us, unfortunately, learn better from experience…What I would call a “baptism by fire”.
My “boyfriend” would yell at me if he knew that I was being so close to this guy now… To be honest, I would say that he knows me really well and because we once shared a greater intimacy, there are things that I can talk to him about that I would not talk about to anyone else.
I’ve always had problems with my self-esteem and self-confidence. You could say that for such a confident girl, I had no self-confidence. (A contradiction but you get what I mean…) I always carried myself with an air of supreme confidence and yet, to talk to me would be to reveal a boatload of self-esteem and self-confidence issues.
Call it ironic, but it took the guy who does not want a relationship with me to tell me that he thinks that he doesn’t doubt that I would make anyone a good girlfriend or wife and that I am very “date-able” and not just physically attractive. But he knows me well and there are times when I have to accept facts when he throws the truth in my face.
So, it is with great bemusement that I saw myself sitting down and discussing the possibility of a new man in my life with the man who held onto a great part of life and many of my issues in the past year. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we have no future together and we have discussed the issue of keeping our friendship as a purely platonic one. It’s weird for me to some extend, to take a step back from it but only time will tell if our friendship will last without the “benefits” included.
Still, it is a good start and I need to find a replacement for my “boyfriend”… I laugh to think that the boy who my “boyfriend” counseled me over is now taking over his role. Life is funny like that. Never burn your bridges. You never know where life will lead you and to whom.
The best way I can put it is that although I have come to terms with the fact that he and I have no future together, I am still unable to shut him out of my life. He held, and still holds, a significant place in my heart. It’s like he is heroin and I am a junkie. I know he is bad for me and yet, I still hold onto him. This, despite the amount of dramas and problems I’ve gone through because of him. I, oddly, feel comfortable when I am with him. Yes, insert bitter laughter here… My earth-shaker is also my safe harbour.
It all boils down to perceptions and expectations… (and in our case, communication.)
I believe our largest problem lies in the fact that we both have different terms and each is too stubborn to cleave to the other’s terms. I wanted a relationship with him. He wanted a friendship with a little extra on the side but that was about it.
I wasted a whole year of my life running after him. I had my pride and wanted desperately to make something right out of a mistake. Even though I was sinking faster than an anchor weighed at sea, I still clung on desperately, long even after I was already drowning. All I got for my troubles was a lot of heartache that, on hind-sight, was self-inflicted.
For the longest time, he had the power to make me feel really shit because I carried the perception that to him, I was someone that came under the category of “good enough to f*ck but not good enough to date” and I often felt that I was not a priority with him at all. To be fair, I don’t think he holds me quite in that light but it’s often hard to change your beliefs if you are wallowing in a good bout of self-pity. Given such entrenched beliefs, I can’t really blame the guy for not trying to say anything because he knows I’m just stubborn enough to not believe him.
He’s always maintained that through it all, the dramas and the melodramas, he’s always thought I’m a cool person and that we’re friends throughout. The problem lies in that it is often difficult to separate the benefits side of a “friends with benefits” relationship from the actual friendship. I would say that girls, especially with their more emotional tendencies, have greater difficulties in doing this. The friendship is separate from the physical aspects but yet, it is difficult for a girl to do this. I would actually say that being friends with the person you get physical with (outside of an actual relationship) is really not advisable. But we’re all young and stupid once and some of us, unfortunately, learn better from experience…What I would call a “baptism by fire”.
My “boyfriend” would yell at me if he knew that I was being so close to this guy now… To be honest, I would say that he knows me really well and because we once shared a greater intimacy, there are things that I can talk to him about that I would not talk about to anyone else.
I’ve always had problems with my self-esteem and self-confidence. You could say that for such a confident girl, I had no self-confidence. (A contradiction but you get what I mean…) I always carried myself with an air of supreme confidence and yet, to talk to me would be to reveal a boatload of self-esteem and self-confidence issues.
Call it ironic, but it took the guy who does not want a relationship with me to tell me that he thinks that he doesn’t doubt that I would make anyone a good girlfriend or wife and that I am very “date-able” and not just physically attractive. But he knows me well and there are times when I have to accept facts when he throws the truth in my face.
So, it is with great bemusement that I saw myself sitting down and discussing the possibility of a new man in my life with the man who held onto a great part of life and many of my issues in the past year. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we have no future together and we have discussed the issue of keeping our friendship as a purely platonic one. It’s weird for me to some extend, to take a step back from it but only time will tell if our friendship will last without the “benefits” included.
Still, it is a good start and I need to find a replacement for my “boyfriend”… I laugh to think that the boy who my “boyfriend” counseled me over is now taking over his role. Life is funny like that. Never burn your bridges. You never know where life will lead you and to whom.
1 comment:
wow thats hella in-tence.
thats kinda what Im going through rigth now but I havn't gotton to a new boyfriend and well Im havn't gotton to the I have no future with the guy friend or friend with benifits right now its hard to think I will never be with him but I know well I guess its going to have to happen some time right...
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