I love you so much that I never want to fall in love with you…ever.
I confess to being incapable of truly loving any man up until now. My past relationships, in all honesty, have been based on the (desperate) need to feel loved and not surprisingly, have ended in disaster. You could say that on some level, I have sabotaged all my relationships because they started fundamentally for the wrong reasons.
Love comes in many forms and often one tends to think of a love between a man and woman as one that can only possibly bear fruition in the form of a romantic love. I do not doubt that a man and woman can share a truly platonic relationship but that it is often rare. In most circumstances, the common belief is that friendship to a BGR is the natural progression between a relationship between a hetero man and woman.
I have been blessed in that I found that rare friendship between a man and a woman where the relationship is purely platonic. Although we started on rocky beginnings, our friendship managed to ride out the wave of awkwardness that came in the form of unrequited love in the nascent stages.
It started as a crush so obvious that even he knew that I had feelings for him. But I was lucky that he was a true friend in persisting with the friendship and I am glad that I made the decision to be friends.
I have always been someone who puts family first, followed by friends then, relationships. As much as I’ve been hurt badly in relationships, I’ve always been able to pick myself up and move on. The one thing that truly fells me is the betrayal of friendship; the pain of it kills me more than a failed relationship would.
In any case, I have been truly blessed in my friendship with him. It was only after he left for good, that I truly realized just how much he meant to be. He is, to me, the only man who I’ve ever truly loved. One I (literally) cried myself sick over.
For the 1.5 years that I’ve been doing my masters’, I’ve complained deeply about my lack of a boyfriend and it was only on the night before his departure that I realized that I did have a boyfriend, we just did not have a conventional relationship that had a sexual side to it.
We often went out on a one-on-one basis, in fact, we often eschewed group social events with many of our social friends in favor of spending quality personal time together. He was the one I turned to when I was upset. Even at three in the morning, I knew I could call him and talk and even drive over to his place and cry on his shoulder. He tells me things that he never shares with any of our other friends. He calls for no reason at all, other than just to chat. He makes me do crazy things I would normally never do.
One of our favorite things to do is to have DVD nights. We’d lie on my (our) couch – it’s a long story but the gist is that he claims joint custody of it – and watch DVDS till late. In between, we’d break and have long chats. I could lie on him while watching DVDs and not feel any sexual tension at all. We share the intimacy of a couple who have been married for 50 years without feeling as if the other is “making a move”. He holds my hands publicly and around the uni when I’m cold with no worry if anyone gets the wrong idea. Why? Because we know that we’re truly friends and nobody else’s opinion matters.
And that is why I never ever want to fall in love with him…ever. I want the love I have for him to last forever. I never want to risk losing it with a relationship that I cannot guarantee will last.
I confess to being incapable of truly loving any man up until now. My past relationships, in all honesty, have been based on the (desperate) need to feel loved and not surprisingly, have ended in disaster. You could say that on some level, I have sabotaged all my relationships because they started fundamentally for the wrong reasons.
Love comes in many forms and often one tends to think of a love between a man and woman as one that can only possibly bear fruition in the form of a romantic love. I do not doubt that a man and woman can share a truly platonic relationship but that it is often rare. In most circumstances, the common belief is that friendship to a BGR is the natural progression between a relationship between a hetero man and woman.
I have been blessed in that I found that rare friendship between a man and a woman where the relationship is purely platonic. Although we started on rocky beginnings, our friendship managed to ride out the wave of awkwardness that came in the form of unrequited love in the nascent stages.
It started as a crush so obvious that even he knew that I had feelings for him. But I was lucky that he was a true friend in persisting with the friendship and I am glad that I made the decision to be friends.
I have always been someone who puts family first, followed by friends then, relationships. As much as I’ve been hurt badly in relationships, I’ve always been able to pick myself up and move on. The one thing that truly fells me is the betrayal of friendship; the pain of it kills me more than a failed relationship would.
In any case, I have been truly blessed in my friendship with him. It was only after he left for good, that I truly realized just how much he meant to be. He is, to me, the only man who I’ve ever truly loved. One I (literally) cried myself sick over.
For the 1.5 years that I’ve been doing my masters’, I’ve complained deeply about my lack of a boyfriend and it was only on the night before his departure that I realized that I did have a boyfriend, we just did not have a conventional relationship that had a sexual side to it.
We often went out on a one-on-one basis, in fact, we often eschewed group social events with many of our social friends in favor of spending quality personal time together. He was the one I turned to when I was upset. Even at three in the morning, I knew I could call him and talk and even drive over to his place and cry on his shoulder. He tells me things that he never shares with any of our other friends. He calls for no reason at all, other than just to chat. He makes me do crazy things I would normally never do.
One of our favorite things to do is to have DVD nights. We’d lie on my (our) couch – it’s a long story but the gist is that he claims joint custody of it – and watch DVDS till late. In between, we’d break and have long chats. I could lie on him while watching DVDs and not feel any sexual tension at all. We share the intimacy of a couple who have been married for 50 years without feeling as if the other is “making a move”. He holds my hands publicly and around the uni when I’m cold with no worry if anyone gets the wrong idea. Why? Because we know that we’re truly friends and nobody else’s opinion matters.
And that is why I never ever want to fall in love with him…ever. I want the love I have for him to last forever. I never want to risk losing it with a relationship that I cannot guarantee will last.
1 comment:
muak!! love u babe, stay strong!
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