The Modern Woman

“Be careful if you make a woman cry, for God counts every one of her tears.

A woman was made from one of Man’s ribs: not from his feet to be stepped on; not from his head to be superior but under his arm to be protected and next to his heart to be loved.”

Feminism…I know you have done great things for the equality of women and you have removed much of the degradation and subjugation that the so-called “weaker sex” has had to endure over time. But to be honest, I am beginning to think of you as the dirty F-word. Somehow or another, the concept of Feminism got convoluted, stereoptyped, misinterpreted and generally, been given a bad name.

Feminists have been thought of as butch-looking lesbians who are man-haters on one end of the spectrum while on the other end; they are jeered for having a double standard of wanting to be treated as an equal for some things and as the “weaker sex” on others. Did you know that not all feminists do not shave their legs or refuse to wear make-up or skirts? Being a feminist does not mean you have to give up being feminine; to do so is to defeat the sole purpose (and concept) of feminism. So you wear high heels and tight dresses with low necklines: you like wearing red lipstick and black liquid liner: you wear your hair in long curls…Does that mean you are a disgrace to feminism by pandering to the so-called male ideal of what a woman should be? Wrong. Being a modern feminist entails not being afraid to choose who you want to be and exercising your rights as a woman (and human being) to do so. In other words, embrace (and celebrate) being a woman.

As someone who calls herself neither a feminist nor “man-dependent”, I would still like to say that being a Feminist does not mean you have to stereotype yourself. There is no one set of characteristics that make you a Feminist. Women have come a long way in our evolution: we are better educated, more independent and have more freedom to make our own choices. Yes, we are not completely hopeless. (Although we sometimes like to appeal to your male pride by pretending to be so.) Unlike our ancestors who had other notions, the modern woman can be credited for being able to stand on her own two feet without a man’s support. But it does not mean that we should all be like the Amazons and live without men (well, technically, they still needed men for reproductive reasons…).

God created Eve to be a companion for Adam; just as in nature, there is a male and female to all species. Together, they create a harmonious balance where the two are complementary. I do not believe that men and women were created to fight a constant battle of the sexes although often, the differences in each sex’s innate character tend to advocate it. Is “anything you can do, I can do it better too” really that important? No man is an island; no woman an island either. Like the Yin and Yang symbol, both sexes are meant to fit together to form a perfect circle; a man’s strength will carry a woman through her weakness and vice-versa.

Sounds idealistic? I have news for you: there is no utopia. The ego and the fight for so-called “equal” rights will always mean that the battle of the sexes is one that is never-ending.

I confess to a traditional upbringing and I also admit that the culture I grew up in plays an important role of what I deem is appropriate behavior for men and women. In the Asian context, women tend to take on more submissive roles to their male counterparts. I do not necessarily find this degrading. To me, it is merely a segregation of duties based on the strengths of each sex. Mutual respect can exist in such a relationship without it having to be displayed prominently in bright lights on a marquee. We’ve all heard the saying that “behind every successful man, there is a woman”. Does that mean that a woman’s role is solely to support her man? No. A man supports a woman in the way he can best do so and a woman does the same. A man has his ego and his pride. A woman has her emotions and sensitive side. I think it is a fair trade for a man to have his pride and appear to be the one “who wears the pants” in the relationship in the public arena as long as he is mindful of a woman’s sensitivity and is careful of hurting her feelings.

At the end of the day, mutual respect and support, as with co-dependence between the two sexes need to be recognized. One cannot live without the other; ergo, no one sex is better than the other.

I cannot remember an occasion when one of my male friends has thought to see me home when it’s late or when offered a ride, wait till I am inside the house before driving off. Nor do I recall them standing up when I leave the table or opening doors for me. I have an even lesser recollection of any of them thinking to walk on the street-side of a pathway when we are walking together. Consideration of my “delicate sensibilities” in choice and manner of words during conversations is of course, laughably non-existent.

Perhaps my close friendship with my male friends have made them think of me as one of their own and they have forgotten that under my blatantly male interests, I am, fundamentally, still a female. I am not saying that I need a man to do all of the above things for me but I do not deny that such acts would be greatly appreciated.

I am used to being teased constantly by my male friends. While I am able to take most of it good naturedly, I find that sometimes they tread a very fine line between what is acceptable behavior and what is offensive and potentially, hurtful, despite the lack of malicious intent. Callosity, I am afraid, is a male trait that often rears its ugly head unintentionally. I have found that men are better equipped to not take things personally and can remove their emotions from an equation when the situation calls for it. Women do not fair so well in this arena. Not only do we tend to take things personally, we tend to bear grudges as well. Most women I know live under the creed of “forgive but never forget”.

Just recently, (a few hours ago in class to be more exact), a male friend of mine hurt me unintentionally with his words. From his point of view, he was merely stating a fact but from my (female) point of view, his words and the manner in which they said carried other implications.

Typical Scenario: Miscommunication between the sexes

Female: At least read what I wrote for the whole group so you know what your “active” contribution has resulted in

(Implication: she has good intentions to do work to benefit the group but yet, still carries some resentment at the others’ laziness and resorts to passive-aggressive sarcasm)

Male: We can read it later. It doesn’t matter. No one feels like working tonight.

(Implication: None; everyone is tired. He genuinely thinks it’s not a big deal and thinks she should just leave it.)

Female: It matters when you all just assume that I’d always do the work

(Implication: She is feeling disgruntled that her effort is not being appreciated and feels like she is being taken for granted. Cue for guys to show appreciation.)

Male: Continuing with the issue again. If you’re not happy doing it, then just don’t do it.

(Implication: Annoyance that issue is still being pursued so states fact)

Female remains silent and eventually starts crying.

(Implication: She is hurt by what he said and the way he said it. She feels upset that she is not being appreciated for doing something good and instead has been told off. Wallows in misery and starts thinking how unloved and unappreciated she is, which serves to encourage to crying)

Class ends. Female leaves quickly, secretly hoping Male will come after her to apologize. She is disappointed when it does not happen.

Aftermath

Female receives a text message from Male saying he is sorry if he has hurt her, it was unintentional and that she should not have taken it to heart.

Female texts back to explain why she is upset but accepts apology and says “it’s over, forget it”. Male takes it at face-value. But we both know she is going to hold this in her heart for awhile.


Does this sound familiar? Maybe the characters are different and the situation slightly different but the outcome is definitely something that we have all experienced.

The modern woman can accomplish easily, many of the things that historically were performed by their male counterparts. The modern woman is strong and independent but some things never change. The fundamental make-up of any woman’s DNA is the same, whether she lived in historic times or the present. A woman is still a woman. She is not the “weaker” sex but still the “fairer” sex; she still desires to be respected, cherished, adored and treated with gentleness and kindness.

Alas, poor Chivalry that grew arcane in lieu of feminism and equality; what was once considered etiquette has, now, been relegated as decidedly sissy behavior. That being said, I acknowledge that generalization is unfair and so, I would like to say this to those special members of the Male Sex who are pro-(modern)feminists:

Thank you for letting us spread our wings to fly but still being there to catch us if we fall… For recognizing us as equals and being willing to accept that women can be the stronger sex (emotionally) even though you are the stronger sex physically (or even some of you who secretly think that females are the superior sex).