Holding Hands in Public

All I ever really wanted is to have you hold my hand in public…

Maybe this sounds silly but to me, holding hands is an act of intimacy greater than a kiss or a hug. In the western world, a kiss (or peck) is a common form of greeting someone; hugs are replacing the handshake as a form of greeting.

I have a history of very bad relationships, or rather a lack of it. I make bad choices and choose to involve myself fully with any guy who shows the slightest interest in me, even if we do not want the same things. If we were to examine my past two attempts at a relationship, I would say that the first one involved me running after a guy who was interested in me, but not enough to let anyone else know that he was. The second one involved a guy who was undecided on which team he wanted to bat for. Needless to say, the general theme in my past two relationships revolve around the term “someone’s dirty little secret”.

This has led me to painfully face the fear that I’ve been trying to deny: the fear of being alone. If I were to be brutally honest with myself, I would admit that I throw myself at any guy who shows the slightest interest and continue running after him even when things are not quite right because I fear that if he does not find me attractive, then, maybe I am not attractive to anyone at all.

In the former relationship mentioned, I went through a lot of pain. I often wondered why he could be that attracted to me and yet not be willing to show me affection in public. It was like being with two different people: one who was affectionate and loving and made me feel like the most attractive woman when we were alone and the other public persona that played it cool and refused to show any sign to anyone that we were more than friends.

To that end, I became obsessed with finding ways to make him show that he cared about me. Not just as a hook-up but as someone he could envision a relationship with. I wanted him to hold my hand in public because to me, that was the sign that would show that he cared and wanted more than to keep me his “dirty little secret”.

I would say that I never got my fairytale ending from him. As much as he cares for me in his own selfish way, he would never do it. He is unintentionally faithful to me; he has not gone out with anyone else but yet, he will never commit to me because I do not fit the conventional mold of what is society’s idea of attractiveness and to him, his cool image is everything. It is something he clings onto firmly, even if it means having to let go of the one person that may mean more to him than he realizes.