Sometimes, I find that I often let myself slip into the melancholy. A part of me derives secret pleasure in wallowing in a bout of self-misery. Often I think, pain and sadness is self-inflicted. Self-pity is a twisted pleasure we all indulge in. Saying that, I'd like to leave you guys with a video my friend showed me that brought a smile to my face.
I'm trying to be happier these days and it's not easy, being a sookie lala who loves to pout and sulk...
Anyway, I hope this brings a smile to your faces as well.
Live Life the way you want it to be. You can't always control the outcome but you can control how you deal with it.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
The Modern Woman
“Be careful if you make a woman cry, for God counts every one of her tears.
A woman was made from one of Man’s ribs: not from his feet to be stepped on; not from his head to be superior but under his arm to be protected and next to his heart to be loved.”
Feminism…I know you have done great things for the equality of women and you have removed much of the degradation and subjugation that the so-called “weaker sex” has had to endure over time. But to be honest, I am beginning to think of you as the dirty F-word. Somehow or another, the concept of Feminism got convoluted, stereoptyped, misinterpreted and generally, been given a bad name.
Feminists have been thought of as butch-looking lesbians who are man-haters on one end of the spectrum while on the other end; they are jeered for having a double standard of wanting to be treated as an equal for some things and as the “weaker sex” on others. Did you know that not all feminists do not shave their legs or refuse to wear make-up or skirts? Being a feminist does not mean you have to give up being feminine; to do so is to defeat the sole purpose (and concept) of feminism. So you wear high heels and tight dresses with low necklines: you like wearing red lipstick and black liquid liner: you wear your hair in long curls…Does that mean you are a disgrace to feminism by pandering to the so-called male ideal of what a woman should be? Wrong. Being a modern feminist entails not being afraid to choose who you want to be and exercising your rights as a woman (and human being) to do so. In other words, embrace (and celebrate) being a woman.
As someone who calls herself neither a feminist nor “man-dependent”, I would still like to say that being a Feminist does not mean you have to stereotype yourself. There is no one set of characteristics that make you a Feminist. Women have come a long way in our evolution: we are better educated, more independent and have more freedom to make our own choices. Yes, we are not completely hopeless. (Although we sometimes like to appeal to your male pride by pretending to be so.) Unlike our ancestors who had other notions, the modern woman can be credited for being able to stand on her own two feet without a man’s support. But it does not mean that we should all be like the Amazons and live without men (well, technically, they still needed men for reproductive reasons…).
God created Eve to be a companion for Adam; just as in nature, there is a male and female to all species. Together, they create a harmonious balance where the two are complementary. I do not believe that men and women were created to fight a constant battle of the sexes although often, the differences in each sex’s innate character tend to advocate it. Is “anything you can do, I can do it better too” really that important? No man is an island; no woman an island either. Like the Yin and Yang symbol, both sexes are meant to fit together to form a perfect circle; a man’s strength will carry a woman through her weakness and vice-versa.
Sounds idealistic? I have news for you: there is no utopia. The ego and the fight for so-called “equal” rights will always mean that the battle of the sexes is one that is never-ending.
I confess to a traditional upbringing and I also admit that the culture I grew up in plays an important role of what I deem is appropriate behavior for men and women. In the Asian context, women tend to take on more submissive roles to their male counterparts. I do not necessarily find this degrading. To me, it is merely a segregation of duties based on the strengths of each sex. Mutual respect can exist in such a relationship without it having to be displayed prominently in bright lights on a marquee. We’ve all heard the saying that “behind every successful man, there is a woman”. Does that mean that a woman’s role is solely to support her man? No. A man supports a woman in the way he can best do so and a woman does the same. A man has his ego and his pride. A woman has her emotions and sensitive side. I think it is a fair trade for a man to have his pride and appear to be the one “who wears the pants” in the relationship in the public arena as long as he is mindful of a woman’s sensitivity and is careful of hurting her feelings.
At the end of the day, mutual respect and support, as with co-dependence between the two sexes need to be recognized. One cannot live without the other; ergo, no one sex is better than the other.
I cannot remember an occasion when one of my male friends has thought to see me home when it’s late or when offered a ride, wait till I am inside the house before driving off. Nor do I recall them standing up when I leave the table or opening doors for me. I have an even lesser recollection of any of them thinking to walk on the street-side of a pathway when we are walking together. Consideration of my “delicate sensibilities” in choice and manner of words during conversations is of course, laughably non-existent.
Perhaps my close friendship with my male friends have made them think of me as one of their own and they have forgotten that under my blatantly male interests, I am, fundamentally, still a female. I am not saying that I need a man to do all of the above things for me but I do not deny that such acts would be greatly appreciated.
I am used to being teased constantly by my male friends. While I am able to take most of it good naturedly, I find that sometimes they tread a very fine line between what is acceptable behavior and what is offensive and potentially, hurtful, despite the lack of malicious intent. Callosity, I am afraid, is a male trait that often rears its ugly head unintentionally. I have found that men are better equipped to not take things personally and can remove their emotions from an equation when the situation calls for it. Women do not fair so well in this arena. Not only do we tend to take things personally, we tend to bear grudges as well. Most women I know live under the creed of “forgive but never forget”.
Just recently, (a few hours ago in class to be more exact), a male friend of mine hurt me unintentionally with his words. From his point of view, he was merely stating a fact but from my (female) point of view, his words and the manner in which they said carried other implications.
A woman was made from one of Man’s ribs: not from his feet to be stepped on; not from his head to be superior but under his arm to be protected and next to his heart to be loved.”
Feminism…I know you have done great things for the equality of women and you have removed much of the degradation and subjugation that the so-called “weaker sex” has had to endure over time. But to be honest, I am beginning to think of you as the dirty F-word. Somehow or another, the concept of Feminism got convoluted, stereoptyped, misinterpreted and generally, been given a bad name.
Feminists have been thought of as butch-looking lesbians who are man-haters on one end of the spectrum while on the other end; they are jeered for having a double standard of wanting to be treated as an equal for some things and as the “weaker sex” on others. Did you know that not all feminists do not shave their legs or refuse to wear make-up or skirts? Being a feminist does not mean you have to give up being feminine; to do so is to defeat the sole purpose (and concept) of feminism. So you wear high heels and tight dresses with low necklines: you like wearing red lipstick and black liquid liner: you wear your hair in long curls…Does that mean you are a disgrace to feminism by pandering to the so-called male ideal of what a woman should be? Wrong. Being a modern feminist entails not being afraid to choose who you want to be and exercising your rights as a woman (and human being) to do so. In other words, embrace (and celebrate) being a woman.
As someone who calls herself neither a feminist nor “man-dependent”, I would still like to say that being a Feminist does not mean you have to stereotype yourself. There is no one set of characteristics that make you a Feminist. Women have come a long way in our evolution: we are better educated, more independent and have more freedom to make our own choices. Yes, we are not completely hopeless. (Although we sometimes like to appeal to your male pride by pretending to be so.) Unlike our ancestors who had other notions, the modern woman can be credited for being able to stand on her own two feet without a man’s support. But it does not mean that we should all be like the Amazons and live without men (well, technically, they still needed men for reproductive reasons…).
God created Eve to be a companion for Adam; just as in nature, there is a male and female to all species. Together, they create a harmonious balance where the two are complementary. I do not believe that men and women were created to fight a constant battle of the sexes although often, the differences in each sex’s innate character tend to advocate it. Is “anything you can do, I can do it better too” really that important? No man is an island; no woman an island either. Like the Yin and Yang symbol, both sexes are meant to fit together to form a perfect circle; a man’s strength will carry a woman through her weakness and vice-versa.
Sounds idealistic? I have news for you: there is no utopia. The ego and the fight for so-called “equal” rights will always mean that the battle of the sexes is one that is never-ending.
I confess to a traditional upbringing and I also admit that the culture I grew up in plays an important role of what I deem is appropriate behavior for men and women. In the Asian context, women tend to take on more submissive roles to their male counterparts. I do not necessarily find this degrading. To me, it is merely a segregation of duties based on the strengths of each sex. Mutual respect can exist in such a relationship without it having to be displayed prominently in bright lights on a marquee. We’ve all heard the saying that “behind every successful man, there is a woman”. Does that mean that a woman’s role is solely to support her man? No. A man supports a woman in the way he can best do so and a woman does the same. A man has his ego and his pride. A woman has her emotions and sensitive side. I think it is a fair trade for a man to have his pride and appear to be the one “who wears the pants” in the relationship in the public arena as long as he is mindful of a woman’s sensitivity and is careful of hurting her feelings.
At the end of the day, mutual respect and support, as with co-dependence between the two sexes need to be recognized. One cannot live without the other; ergo, no one sex is better than the other.
I cannot remember an occasion when one of my male friends has thought to see me home when it’s late or when offered a ride, wait till I am inside the house before driving off. Nor do I recall them standing up when I leave the table or opening doors for me. I have an even lesser recollection of any of them thinking to walk on the street-side of a pathway when we are walking together. Consideration of my “delicate sensibilities” in choice and manner of words during conversations is of course, laughably non-existent.
Perhaps my close friendship with my male friends have made them think of me as one of their own and they have forgotten that under my blatantly male interests, I am, fundamentally, still a female. I am not saying that I need a man to do all of the above things for me but I do not deny that such acts would be greatly appreciated.
I am used to being teased constantly by my male friends. While I am able to take most of it good naturedly, I find that sometimes they tread a very fine line between what is acceptable behavior and what is offensive and potentially, hurtful, despite the lack of malicious intent. Callosity, I am afraid, is a male trait that often rears its ugly head unintentionally. I have found that men are better equipped to not take things personally and can remove their emotions from an equation when the situation calls for it. Women do not fair so well in this arena. Not only do we tend to take things personally, we tend to bear grudges as well. Most women I know live under the creed of “forgive but never forget”.
Just recently, (a few hours ago in class to be more exact), a male friend of mine hurt me unintentionally with his words. From his point of view, he was merely stating a fact but from my (female) point of view, his words and the manner in which they said carried other implications.
Typical Scenario: Miscommunication between the sexes
Female: At least read what I wrote for the whole group so you know what your “active” contribution has resulted in
(Implication: she has good intentions to do work to benefit the group but yet, still carries some resentment at the others’ laziness and resorts to passive-aggressive sarcasm)
Male: We can read it later. It doesn’t matter. No one feels like working tonight.
(Implication: None; everyone is tired. He genuinely thinks it’s not a big deal and thinks she should just leave it.)
Female: It matters when you all just assume that I’d always do the work
(Implication: She is feeling disgruntled that her effort is not being appreciated and feels like she is being taken for granted. Cue for guys to show appreciation.)
Male: Continuing with the issue again. If you’re not happy doing it, then just don’t do it.
(Implication: Annoyance that issue is still being pursued so states fact)
Female remains silent and eventually starts crying.
(Implication: She is hurt by what he said and the way he said it. She feels upset that she is not being appreciated for doing something good and instead has been told off. Wallows in misery and starts thinking how unloved and unappreciated she is, which serves to encourage to crying)
Class ends. Female leaves quickly, secretly hoping Male will come after her to apologize. She is disappointed when it does not happen.
Aftermath
Female receives a text message from Male saying he is sorry if he has hurt her, it was unintentional and that she should not have taken it to heart.
Female texts back to explain why she is upset but accepts apology and says “it’s over, forget it”. Male takes it at face-value. But we both know she is going to hold this in her heart for awhile.
Does this sound familiar? Maybe the characters are different and the situation slightly different but the outcome is definitely something that we have all experienced.
The modern woman can accomplish easily, many of the things that historically were performed by their male counterparts. The modern woman is strong and independent but some things never change. The fundamental make-up of any woman’s DNA is the same, whether she lived in historic times or the present. A woman is still a woman. She is not the “weaker” sex but still the “fairer” sex; she still desires to be respected, cherished, adored and treated with gentleness and kindness.
Alas, poor Chivalry that grew arcane in lieu of feminism and equality; what was once considered etiquette has, now, been relegated as decidedly sissy behavior. That being said, I acknowledge that generalization is unfair and so, I would like to say this to those special members of the Male Sex who are pro-(modern)feminists:
Thank you for letting us spread our wings to fly but still being there to catch us if we fall… For recognizing us as equals and being willing to accept that women can be the stronger sex (emotionally) even though you are the stronger sex physically (or even some of you who secretly think that females are the superior sex).
Sunday, August 19, 2007
The Diamond is the hardest substance known to Man...to get back from a woman
Life Gems
A diamond is the hardest substance known to men…to get back from a woman.
A friend of mine recently got engaged. It’s the sweetest thing; it started as a jest on her part that I took seriously and introduced her to an Asian guy friend of mine. They hit it off from the start and now the wedding is going to be in Brazil next year.
In any case, due to scheduling issues, it was awhile before I actually got to see the ring. Now, one of my friend’s initial criteria (whether said in jest or not) was that she wanted someone financially comfortable, so you can imagine my great surprise, upon seeing the ring, and realizing that the 10-carat dazzler on her finger was not a sea-blue diamond (the lighting was bad) but an aquamarine. I am guessing that watching “Blood Diamond” had a very profound effect on her.
Now, for the longest time, women have put great emphasis on the rock. I’m sorry to say that a significant proportion of the fairer sex are shallow to that extent, that the rock on your finger can sometimes seem to be of greater importance than the actual marriage proposal. But hey, we’re a competitive, jealous lot by nature and sometimes, there is nothing greater than the secret thrill of “one-upping” your peers in the highly stressful arena of the marriage stakes. In a world of passive-aggressive warfare, there is, unfortunately, no greater glory than preening and basking in the glory of the envy of those whose guts you hate but do not (ironically) have the guts to admit. But the ways of women is another story for another day.
Anyway, the lucky groom-to-be had his best friend in attendance that day and the guy was sharing his own impending engagement woes in the form that his fiancée was requesting a ring that would easily cost $80,000, something he could not really afford without taking out a second mortgage or selling an organ. In the midst of all this, I, an innocent bystander, was dragged into the fray when both men commented that they did not understand why Singaporean girls were so materialistic, specifically, Singaporean girls from a certain economic background.
In my family, we take our jewelry inspection seriously. Family functions often have a time set aside for “show-and-tell” as the adornments on each female (and one male) family member is ooh-and-ahhed over by everyone. A standing family tradition (not taken seriously) is that unless the ring is at least one carat and of reasonable quality, there will be no engagement. Now, we’re not an overtly-materialistic family. The standard has an underlying implication that marriage should not be entered into unless the groom is financially stable and able to provide for his future family.
So, you can imagine my great anger at being stereotyped in such a manner. I admit that given my parents’ great passion for jewelry, I have been accustomed to receiving jewelry on a grander scale but it does not mean that I expect the same from the man I marry. My mother married my father when he was just starting out and she did not have a giant dazzler of an engagement ring. But she married him anyway because she felt that despite his lack of wealth and looks, my dad was a man who had strong family values and had the qualifications and ambition to make something of himself. She didn’t regret it. It took 10 years but my dad reset her little “nose snot” of a ring into a more expensive and showy setting. He did not do it because my mother demanded it but because he wanted to give my mother the best he could and that was what he did.
Similarly, while like any girl (and mynah bird), I am attracted to shiny things and a big ring would definitely be appreciated but it’s not expected. Marriage is a big deal and the engagement ring is a sign of commitment and I suppose, to me, a sign from the guy to the girl of what she means to him, and hence, the ring should be of a caliber that indicates the best a guy can offer the girl within reasonable means. A man who cannot afford a ring that meets my family tradition’s “minimum standard” is probably a man who may not be able to afford the lifestyle I wish to have and if the expected lifestyles of both are not aligned, then, marriage may be a problem. This is not about being materialistic but the fact that love alone cannot sustain a marriage. Financial stability, as ugly as it sounds, is an important factor as well. In any case, I stand by my claim that I will be happy with the best my future proposer can give me within reasonable means.
A diamond is nothing more than a glorified lump of carbon – compressed over time to produce a sparkling gem – and yet it means so much more. Through time, we have been told that a diamond is precious and that it is a “girl’s best friend”. Men were told to buy it for their special someone and later, when the men didn’t seem to be buying as much, ladies were told to spoil themselves.
Then, the other day in class, we were shown a video about a company that has found a way to put new meaning to this glorified lump of carbon. The company Lifegems basically takes carbon from the cremated remains of a loved one and uses technology to create a diamond. Each stone can be made to a maximum size of slightly over a carat and varies in color according to the individual carbon content of the ashes. We’ve all heard that “a diamond lasts forever” so is this a new sparkly way for us to commemorate our loved ones? Personally, I’m a little leery of treating the remains of a loved one in such a manner, as I find it a little disrespectful.
Although it would be an “eyebrow-raiser” if the following situation occurred:
Person A: OMG. I love your ring. It’s so beautiful!
You: Thanks. It was my mother-in-law.
Person A: Your mother-in-law’s? That’s nice of her to give it to you.
You: No, No. It was my MOTHER-IN-LAW. She didn’t have a particularly sparkly
Personality but she sure shines as a diamond!
*To find out more about Lifegems, you can watch the video at this link:
http://www.knbc.com/video/9529313/index.html
A diamond is the hardest substance known to men…to get back from a woman.
A friend of mine recently got engaged. It’s the sweetest thing; it started as a jest on her part that I took seriously and introduced her to an Asian guy friend of mine. They hit it off from the start and now the wedding is going to be in Brazil next year.
In any case, due to scheduling issues, it was awhile before I actually got to see the ring. Now, one of my friend’s initial criteria (whether said in jest or not) was that she wanted someone financially comfortable, so you can imagine my great surprise, upon seeing the ring, and realizing that the 10-carat dazzler on her finger was not a sea-blue diamond (the lighting was bad) but an aquamarine. I am guessing that watching “Blood Diamond” had a very profound effect on her.
Now, for the longest time, women have put great emphasis on the rock. I’m sorry to say that a significant proportion of the fairer sex are shallow to that extent, that the rock on your finger can sometimes seem to be of greater importance than the actual marriage proposal. But hey, we’re a competitive, jealous lot by nature and sometimes, there is nothing greater than the secret thrill of “one-upping” your peers in the highly stressful arena of the marriage stakes. In a world of passive-aggressive warfare, there is, unfortunately, no greater glory than preening and basking in the glory of the envy of those whose guts you hate but do not (ironically) have the guts to admit. But the ways of women is another story for another day.
Anyway, the lucky groom-to-be had his best friend in attendance that day and the guy was sharing his own impending engagement woes in the form that his fiancée was requesting a ring that would easily cost $80,000, something he could not really afford without taking out a second mortgage or selling an organ. In the midst of all this, I, an innocent bystander, was dragged into the fray when both men commented that they did not understand why Singaporean girls were so materialistic, specifically, Singaporean girls from a certain economic background.
In my family, we take our jewelry inspection seriously. Family functions often have a time set aside for “show-and-tell” as the adornments on each female (and one male) family member is ooh-and-ahhed over by everyone. A standing family tradition (not taken seriously) is that unless the ring is at least one carat and of reasonable quality, there will be no engagement. Now, we’re not an overtly-materialistic family. The standard has an underlying implication that marriage should not be entered into unless the groom is financially stable and able to provide for his future family.
So, you can imagine my great anger at being stereotyped in such a manner. I admit that given my parents’ great passion for jewelry, I have been accustomed to receiving jewelry on a grander scale but it does not mean that I expect the same from the man I marry. My mother married my father when he was just starting out and she did not have a giant dazzler of an engagement ring. But she married him anyway because she felt that despite his lack of wealth and looks, my dad was a man who had strong family values and had the qualifications and ambition to make something of himself. She didn’t regret it. It took 10 years but my dad reset her little “nose snot” of a ring into a more expensive and showy setting. He did not do it because my mother demanded it but because he wanted to give my mother the best he could and that was what he did.
Similarly, while like any girl (and mynah bird), I am attracted to shiny things and a big ring would definitely be appreciated but it’s not expected. Marriage is a big deal and the engagement ring is a sign of commitment and I suppose, to me, a sign from the guy to the girl of what she means to him, and hence, the ring should be of a caliber that indicates the best a guy can offer the girl within reasonable means. A man who cannot afford a ring that meets my family tradition’s “minimum standard” is probably a man who may not be able to afford the lifestyle I wish to have and if the expected lifestyles of both are not aligned, then, marriage may be a problem. This is not about being materialistic but the fact that love alone cannot sustain a marriage. Financial stability, as ugly as it sounds, is an important factor as well. In any case, I stand by my claim that I will be happy with the best my future proposer can give me within reasonable means.
A diamond is nothing more than a glorified lump of carbon – compressed over time to produce a sparkling gem – and yet it means so much more. Through time, we have been told that a diamond is precious and that it is a “girl’s best friend”. Men were told to buy it for their special someone and later, when the men didn’t seem to be buying as much, ladies were told to spoil themselves.
Then, the other day in class, we were shown a video about a company that has found a way to put new meaning to this glorified lump of carbon. The company Lifegems basically takes carbon from the cremated remains of a loved one and uses technology to create a diamond. Each stone can be made to a maximum size of slightly over a carat and varies in color according to the individual carbon content of the ashes. We’ve all heard that “a diamond lasts forever” so is this a new sparkly way for us to commemorate our loved ones? Personally, I’m a little leery of treating the remains of a loved one in such a manner, as I find it a little disrespectful.
Although it would be an “eyebrow-raiser” if the following situation occurred:
Person A: OMG. I love your ring. It’s so beautiful!
You: Thanks. It was my mother-in-law.
Person A: Your mother-in-law’s? That’s nice of her to give it to you.
You: No, No. It was my MOTHER-IN-LAW. She didn’t have a particularly sparkly
Personality but she sure shines as a diamond!
*To find out more about Lifegems, you can watch the video at this link:
http://www.knbc.com/video/9529313/index.html
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Please play Kiss & Run with me...
“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me…”
“I feel the same about you…”
CUE: Happy Romantic music swells and Credits roll as they lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER…
*EEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH* Buzzer rings.
Unfortunately, as much as we all wished for our own fairytale endings, life is not the movies and relationships are not so easily resolved.
In the beginning, I thought my problems with relationships lay in the fact that I was just not able to make the opposite sex find me attractive. Puberty happened and I worked really hard to do something about it, and I became less unattractive, and while I may never realize my dreams of being a supermodel, I, at least, now have my select (and very small) fan club…
Attraction aside, my next worry was how to make the opposite sex interested in me. With some therapy sessions and lots of work on my self-esteem issues, I have begun to see that soliciting interest was a problem that existed mostly in my head. I also started to recognize just how picky I can be or unconsciously unapproachable.
My current problem?
Now that I have lesser dramas appearing attractive or soliciting interest from the opposite sex, I’d like to learn how to actually “keep” them i.e. now that I can get them to take the bait, how do I reel them in?
I must confess that I have a terrible track record when it comes to relationships, as seen in my past two attempts at relationships. (I won’t justify them as proper relationships.) Yes, I’ve been a little (extremely) burnt but the idealistic romantic in me managed to slip past the outer barriers of pessimism and cynicism to actually show a little interest in someone from my masters’. I suppose, at the risk of sounding extremely shallow, his good looks (and lovely personality) helped sweetened the deal.
In any case, I was left feeling rather bemused as I realized that the interest was not only on my part but was actually on his as well. Things started off on a good note, with him being extremely attentive, acting like a gentleman and basically showing that the interest was mutual. I would say holding the girl’s hand in front of everyone at the end of the night is a rather telling sign. I was still rather not sure till the end of the night when he walked me home. I was given positive confirmation of his interest, which was further reinforced with his declaration of liking and returned interest.
Sounds good? It certainly did to me. I’ve waited really long to meet a nice guy and this seemed really promising.
But, oh, what a lot of things can happen in one week.
For one week, I lived in a heady cloud of dazed contentment as I imagined this new development going in a positive direction. Then, I saw him again, exactly one week later. It was a good lesson in that you should never put all your eggs in one basket, even if it is done subconsciously.
The conversation we had was less than pleasing. It seemed that while he was genuinely interested in me and did like me, he did not want a relationship at this point in his life and hence, he thinks that we should just be friends and he is sorry that he was not in control of his actions and took things further than he should.
Granted it takes two to make something happen but I would also say that in my defense, I was merely reacting to his actions. While I wished things could be less awkward with this big hairy invisible elephant called “mutual interest” sitting between us in our bid to try to be friends, I do appreciate his honesty. I may not like to hear what he said but it’s better than being led along. So I decided to be a mature individual and accept his offer of friendship. It was my original intention to get to know him better as friends before the complication of mutual interest came up, anyway.
Perhaps as a friend says, I am once again letting myself be “abused” by being too nice or in the words of two other less diplomatic friends, “bullshit”. Whatever it is, if I have learnt one thing in the past, it is that you cannot make anyone love you and in that same vein, commit to you if they choose not to.
Once again, I was the victim of the oft-used “it’s not you, it’s me” cliché. But a part of me cannot help but wonder what it is that I am doing wrong that even the nice ones are doing this to me. I cannot help but wonder if perhaps there is an invisible sign painted on my forehead that tells all the interested guys to “please play kiss and run with me”. I have often prided myself on doing things differently but an odd talent such as “kissing princes and turning them into toads” is really not something I particularly enjoy or am proud of.
I suppose many would tell me to not be so negative and see that I just haven’t met the right one yet. Logically, I should just accept that I have just been unfortunate in my choices and timing so far… but love has no rhyme, reason or logic. Neither does the heart follow a schedule.
What irks me the most is that he has the audacity to tell me “not to worry too much” and that “I’d get over it”. I will give him the benefit of doubt that he is genuinely sorry for expressing his interest and then rescinding his offer but at the end of the day, one of us got more hurt than we deserved to.
And to be honest, I’m just tired of it always being me. Perhaps it is time to embark on an “egg-free” diet.
Friday, August 10, 2007
You’re My Heroin, and I, your willing junkie… a.k.a bad relationships we hold onto
We all have relationships that we know are bad for us and yet we still keep them. One such relationship of mine is with someone I was involved with in the past. To be fair, we’re still sort of involved but not quite in the same way. It’s complicated, to say the least.
The best way I can put it is that although I have come to terms with the fact that he and I have no future together, I am still unable to shut him out of my life. He held, and still holds, a significant place in my heart. It’s like he is heroin and I am a junkie. I know he is bad for me and yet, I still hold onto him. This, despite the amount of dramas and problems I’ve gone through because of him. I, oddly, feel comfortable when I am with him. Yes, insert bitter laughter here… My earth-shaker is also my safe harbour.
It all boils down to perceptions and expectations… (and in our case, communication.)
I believe our largest problem lies in the fact that we both have different terms and each is too stubborn to cleave to the other’s terms. I wanted a relationship with him. He wanted a friendship with a little extra on the side but that was about it.
I wasted a whole year of my life running after him. I had my pride and wanted desperately to make something right out of a mistake. Even though I was sinking faster than an anchor weighed at sea, I still clung on desperately, long even after I was already drowning. All I got for my troubles was a lot of heartache that, on hind-sight, was self-inflicted.
For the longest time, he had the power to make me feel really shit because I carried the perception that to him, I was someone that came under the category of “good enough to f*ck but not good enough to date” and I often felt that I was not a priority with him at all. To be fair, I don’t think he holds me quite in that light but it’s often hard to change your beliefs if you are wallowing in a good bout of self-pity. Given such entrenched beliefs, I can’t really blame the guy for not trying to say anything because he knows I’m just stubborn enough to not believe him.
He’s always maintained that through it all, the dramas and the melodramas, he’s always thought I’m a cool person and that we’re friends throughout. The problem lies in that it is often difficult to separate the benefits side of a “friends with benefits” relationship from the actual friendship. I would say that girls, especially with their more emotional tendencies, have greater difficulties in doing this. The friendship is separate from the physical aspects but yet, it is difficult for a girl to do this. I would actually say that being friends with the person you get physical with (outside of an actual relationship) is really not advisable. But we’re all young and stupid once and some of us, unfortunately, learn better from experience…What I would call a “baptism by fire”.
My “boyfriend” would yell at me if he knew that I was being so close to this guy now… To be honest, I would say that he knows me really well and because we once shared a greater intimacy, there are things that I can talk to him about that I would not talk about to anyone else.
I’ve always had problems with my self-esteem and self-confidence. You could say that for such a confident girl, I had no self-confidence. (A contradiction but you get what I mean…) I always carried myself with an air of supreme confidence and yet, to talk to me would be to reveal a boatload of self-esteem and self-confidence issues.
Call it ironic, but it took the guy who does not want a relationship with me to tell me that he thinks that he doesn’t doubt that I would make anyone a good girlfriend or wife and that I am very “date-able” and not just physically attractive. But he knows me well and there are times when I have to accept facts when he throws the truth in my face.
So, it is with great bemusement that I saw myself sitting down and discussing the possibility of a new man in my life with the man who held onto a great part of life and many of my issues in the past year. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we have no future together and we have discussed the issue of keeping our friendship as a purely platonic one. It’s weird for me to some extend, to take a step back from it but only time will tell if our friendship will last without the “benefits” included.
Still, it is a good start and I need to find a replacement for my “boyfriend”… I laugh to think that the boy who my “boyfriend” counseled me over is now taking over his role. Life is funny like that. Never burn your bridges. You never know where life will lead you and to whom.
The best way I can put it is that although I have come to terms with the fact that he and I have no future together, I am still unable to shut him out of my life. He held, and still holds, a significant place in my heart. It’s like he is heroin and I am a junkie. I know he is bad for me and yet, I still hold onto him. This, despite the amount of dramas and problems I’ve gone through because of him. I, oddly, feel comfortable when I am with him. Yes, insert bitter laughter here… My earth-shaker is also my safe harbour.
It all boils down to perceptions and expectations… (and in our case, communication.)
I believe our largest problem lies in the fact that we both have different terms and each is too stubborn to cleave to the other’s terms. I wanted a relationship with him. He wanted a friendship with a little extra on the side but that was about it.
I wasted a whole year of my life running after him. I had my pride and wanted desperately to make something right out of a mistake. Even though I was sinking faster than an anchor weighed at sea, I still clung on desperately, long even after I was already drowning. All I got for my troubles was a lot of heartache that, on hind-sight, was self-inflicted.
For the longest time, he had the power to make me feel really shit because I carried the perception that to him, I was someone that came under the category of “good enough to f*ck but not good enough to date” and I often felt that I was not a priority with him at all. To be fair, I don’t think he holds me quite in that light but it’s often hard to change your beliefs if you are wallowing in a good bout of self-pity. Given such entrenched beliefs, I can’t really blame the guy for not trying to say anything because he knows I’m just stubborn enough to not believe him.
He’s always maintained that through it all, the dramas and the melodramas, he’s always thought I’m a cool person and that we’re friends throughout. The problem lies in that it is often difficult to separate the benefits side of a “friends with benefits” relationship from the actual friendship. I would say that girls, especially with their more emotional tendencies, have greater difficulties in doing this. The friendship is separate from the physical aspects but yet, it is difficult for a girl to do this. I would actually say that being friends with the person you get physical with (outside of an actual relationship) is really not advisable. But we’re all young and stupid once and some of us, unfortunately, learn better from experience…What I would call a “baptism by fire”.
My “boyfriend” would yell at me if he knew that I was being so close to this guy now… To be honest, I would say that he knows me really well and because we once shared a greater intimacy, there are things that I can talk to him about that I would not talk about to anyone else.
I’ve always had problems with my self-esteem and self-confidence. You could say that for such a confident girl, I had no self-confidence. (A contradiction but you get what I mean…) I always carried myself with an air of supreme confidence and yet, to talk to me would be to reveal a boatload of self-esteem and self-confidence issues.
Call it ironic, but it took the guy who does not want a relationship with me to tell me that he thinks that he doesn’t doubt that I would make anyone a good girlfriend or wife and that I am very “date-able” and not just physically attractive. But he knows me well and there are times when I have to accept facts when he throws the truth in my face.
So, it is with great bemusement that I saw myself sitting down and discussing the possibility of a new man in my life with the man who held onto a great part of life and many of my issues in the past year. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we have no future together and we have discussed the issue of keeping our friendship as a purely platonic one. It’s weird for me to some extend, to take a step back from it but only time will tell if our friendship will last without the “benefits” included.
Still, it is a good start and I need to find a replacement for my “boyfriend”… I laugh to think that the boy who my “boyfriend” counseled me over is now taking over his role. Life is funny like that. Never burn your bridges. You never know where life will lead you and to whom.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Holding Hands in Public
All I ever really wanted is to have you hold my hand in public…
Maybe this sounds silly but to me, holding hands is an act of intimacy greater than a kiss or a hug. In the western world, a kiss (or peck) is a common form of greeting someone; hugs are replacing the handshake as a form of greeting.
I have a history of very bad relationships, or rather a lack of it. I make bad choices and choose to involve myself fully with any guy who shows the slightest interest in me, even if we do not want the same things. If we were to examine my past two attempts at a relationship, I would say that the first one involved me running after a guy who was interested in me, but not enough to let anyone else know that he was. The second one involved a guy who was undecided on which team he wanted to bat for. Needless to say, the general theme in my past two relationships revolve around the term “someone’s dirty little secret”.
This has led me to painfully face the fear that I’ve been trying to deny: the fear of being alone. If I were to be brutally honest with myself, I would admit that I throw myself at any guy who shows the slightest interest and continue running after him even when things are not quite right because I fear that if he does not find me attractive, then, maybe I am not attractive to anyone at all.
In the former relationship mentioned, I went through a lot of pain. I often wondered why he could be that attracted to me and yet not be willing to show me affection in public. It was like being with two different people: one who was affectionate and loving and made me feel like the most attractive woman when we were alone and the other public persona that played it cool and refused to show any sign to anyone that we were more than friends.
To that end, I became obsessed with finding ways to make him show that he cared about me. Not just as a hook-up but as someone he could envision a relationship with. I wanted him to hold my hand in public because to me, that was the sign that would show that he cared and wanted more than to keep me his “dirty little secret”.
I would say that I never got my fairytale ending from him. As much as he cares for me in his own selfish way, he would never do it. He is unintentionally faithful to me; he has not gone out with anyone else but yet, he will never commit to me because I do not fit the conventional mold of what is society’s idea of attractiveness and to him, his cool image is everything. It is something he clings onto firmly, even if it means having to let go of the one person that may mean more to him than he realizes.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Marry a man who loves you more than you love him.
My mother once told me:
When you hold a man’s hand and he makes your heart beat faster and he makes you feel giddy and excited, walk away from this man. He is not the man for you. If you hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel warm, safe and secure, hold onto him. This is the man you are going to marry.
I was 16 when my mother told this to me. At that time, I thought it made absolutely no sense and I told my mother that she was insane if she thought I was going to be some mechanical, unfeeling being who would pick the “safe” choice over the great love affair that burns with a passion deep enough to consume us.
I have always been someone who gets carried away by her feelings. When my mother said that I should marry a man who loves me more than I love him, I thought it an impossible feat. By nature, I have always been the one who over-invests in a relationship and thus, I felt that I would always be the one who will love the other person more.
But as I grew up, I began to tear the veil from my eyes and see that love is not just some Walt Disney movie with a fairytale ending. Love is hard. Relationships are hard. We do not always get what we want and often, a burning passion is not enough to make a relationship work.
The other day, a friend and I were having our weekly lunch at Uni, and the topic of love came up. She mentioned that unlike her previous relationship, she felt no great overwhelming passion for her current boyfriend and it was definitely a case of her boyfriend loving her more than she loved him. Yet, it felt good. She was learning to love him more each day and she felt it was something that would last longer.
And she was right…
Somehow, along the way, we grew up and so did our ideas of love. When we were young and feckless, we thought love had to be the kind that encompassed great passion and had to be highly dramatic and we were all entranced with the idea of “as long as we love each other, everything will be fine”.
Things change…and suddenly passion was no longer desired but the feeling of security was.
My parents did not marry because they were in love. Like many of their generation, they got married because it was time and both were suitable parties. Yet, in 32 years of marriage, they have learnt to love each other and are comfortable with each other.
My father is not a romantic man. He does not extend romantic gestures towards my mother and yet, it is in the little things that he does for her everyday that shows how much he loves her. My parents like to go for a morning walk, time permitting, around the Botanic Gardens. On one such occasion, my mother’s shoelace came loose and my father, a prominent business man and 10 years her senior, squatted down in public at a traffic light to re-tie them for her because he knew she had a knee problem that would have prevented her from tying them herself. When my parents go on trips, my father often leaves my mother to sleep in while he goes out to buy her breakfast.
My mother is not big on expressing sentiments either. Once, my mother came to visit me in Australia, and I asked her if she would miss my father. Her response was a vehement “No, of course not! I won’t miss the snoring!!!” But her actions said otherwise. My mother would call my father at least once a day while she was in Australia to check in on him. And I realized that despite my father’s frequent traveling, my parents did not spend more than 24 hours apart without at least one phone call.
When I was younger, I told myself that I would not be like my parents and that I would marry for love. Now that I am older (and hopefully wiser), I realize that what I really want is a marriage like my parents; One where we are comfortable with each other and learn to love each other more each day.
A relationship that starts at the peak with an all-consuming passion has a higher risk of burning out quickly. It is my belief that a relationship that starts on a strong foundation of moderate love, mutual respect, shared beliefs and tolerance has a greater potential of growing better each day…just like fine wine.
As the saying goes…
I love you more today than I did yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.
My mother once told me:
When you hold a man’s hand and he makes your heart beat faster and he makes you feel giddy and excited, walk away from this man. He is not the man for you. If you hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel warm, safe and secure, hold onto him. This is the man you are going to marry.
I was 16 when my mother told this to me. At that time, I thought it made absolutely no sense and I told my mother that she was insane if she thought I was going to be some mechanical, unfeeling being who would pick the “safe” choice over the great love affair that burns with a passion deep enough to consume us.
I have always been someone who gets carried away by her feelings. When my mother said that I should marry a man who loves me more than I love him, I thought it an impossible feat. By nature, I have always been the one who over-invests in a relationship and thus, I felt that I would always be the one who will love the other person more.
But as I grew up, I began to tear the veil from my eyes and see that love is not just some Walt Disney movie with a fairytale ending. Love is hard. Relationships are hard. We do not always get what we want and often, a burning passion is not enough to make a relationship work.
The other day, a friend and I were having our weekly lunch at Uni, and the topic of love came up. She mentioned that unlike her previous relationship, she felt no great overwhelming passion for her current boyfriend and it was definitely a case of her boyfriend loving her more than she loved him. Yet, it felt good. She was learning to love him more each day and she felt it was something that would last longer.
And she was right…
Somehow, along the way, we grew up and so did our ideas of love. When we were young and feckless, we thought love had to be the kind that encompassed great passion and had to be highly dramatic and we were all entranced with the idea of “as long as we love each other, everything will be fine”.
Things change…and suddenly passion was no longer desired but the feeling of security was.
My parents did not marry because they were in love. Like many of their generation, they got married because it was time and both were suitable parties. Yet, in 32 years of marriage, they have learnt to love each other and are comfortable with each other.
My father is not a romantic man. He does not extend romantic gestures towards my mother and yet, it is in the little things that he does for her everyday that shows how much he loves her. My parents like to go for a morning walk, time permitting, around the Botanic Gardens. On one such occasion, my mother’s shoelace came loose and my father, a prominent business man and 10 years her senior, squatted down in public at a traffic light to re-tie them for her because he knew she had a knee problem that would have prevented her from tying them herself. When my parents go on trips, my father often leaves my mother to sleep in while he goes out to buy her breakfast.
My mother is not big on expressing sentiments either. Once, my mother came to visit me in Australia, and I asked her if she would miss my father. Her response was a vehement “No, of course not! I won’t miss the snoring!!!” But her actions said otherwise. My mother would call my father at least once a day while she was in Australia to check in on him. And I realized that despite my father’s frequent traveling, my parents did not spend more than 24 hours apart without at least one phone call.
When I was younger, I told myself that I would not be like my parents and that I would marry for love. Now that I am older (and hopefully wiser), I realize that what I really want is a marriage like my parents; One where we are comfortable with each other and learn to love each other more each day.
A relationship that starts at the peak with an all-consuming passion has a higher risk of burning out quickly. It is my belief that a relationship that starts on a strong foundation of moderate love, mutual respect, shared beliefs and tolerance has a greater potential of growing better each day…just like fine wine.
As the saying goes…
I love you more today than I did yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.
Monday, August 6, 2007
i love you so much, i never want to fall in love with you...ever
I love you so much that I never want to fall in love with you…ever.
I confess to being incapable of truly loving any man up until now. My past relationships, in all honesty, have been based on the (desperate) need to feel loved and not surprisingly, have ended in disaster. You could say that on some level, I have sabotaged all my relationships because they started fundamentally for the wrong reasons.
Love comes in many forms and often one tends to think of a love between a man and woman as one that can only possibly bear fruition in the form of a romantic love. I do not doubt that a man and woman can share a truly platonic relationship but that it is often rare. In most circumstances, the common belief is that friendship to a BGR is the natural progression between a relationship between a hetero man and woman.
I have been blessed in that I found that rare friendship between a man and a woman where the relationship is purely platonic. Although we started on rocky beginnings, our friendship managed to ride out the wave of awkwardness that came in the form of unrequited love in the nascent stages.
It started as a crush so obvious that even he knew that I had feelings for him. But I was lucky that he was a true friend in persisting with the friendship and I am glad that I made the decision to be friends.
I have always been someone who puts family first, followed by friends then, relationships. As much as I’ve been hurt badly in relationships, I’ve always been able to pick myself up and move on. The one thing that truly fells me is the betrayal of friendship; the pain of it kills me more than a failed relationship would.
In any case, I have been truly blessed in my friendship with him. It was only after he left for good, that I truly realized just how much he meant to be. He is, to me, the only man who I’ve ever truly loved. One I (literally) cried myself sick over.
For the 1.5 years that I’ve been doing my masters’, I’ve complained deeply about my lack of a boyfriend and it was only on the night before his departure that I realized that I did have a boyfriend, we just did not have a conventional relationship that had a sexual side to it.
We often went out on a one-on-one basis, in fact, we often eschewed group social events with many of our social friends in favor of spending quality personal time together. He was the one I turned to when I was upset. Even at three in the morning, I knew I could call him and talk and even drive over to his place and cry on his shoulder. He tells me things that he never shares with any of our other friends. He calls for no reason at all, other than just to chat. He makes me do crazy things I would normally never do.
One of our favorite things to do is to have DVD nights. We’d lie on my (our) couch – it’s a long story but the gist is that he claims joint custody of it – and watch DVDS till late. In between, we’d break and have long chats. I could lie on him while watching DVDs and not feel any sexual tension at all. We share the intimacy of a couple who have been married for 50 years without feeling as if the other is “making a move”. He holds my hands publicly and around the uni when I’m cold with no worry if anyone gets the wrong idea. Why? Because we know that we’re truly friends and nobody else’s opinion matters.
And that is why I never ever want to fall in love with him…ever. I want the love I have for him to last forever. I never want to risk losing it with a relationship that I cannot guarantee will last.
I confess to being incapable of truly loving any man up until now. My past relationships, in all honesty, have been based on the (desperate) need to feel loved and not surprisingly, have ended in disaster. You could say that on some level, I have sabotaged all my relationships because they started fundamentally for the wrong reasons.
Love comes in many forms and often one tends to think of a love between a man and woman as one that can only possibly bear fruition in the form of a romantic love. I do not doubt that a man and woman can share a truly platonic relationship but that it is often rare. In most circumstances, the common belief is that friendship to a BGR is the natural progression between a relationship between a hetero man and woman.
I have been blessed in that I found that rare friendship between a man and a woman where the relationship is purely platonic. Although we started on rocky beginnings, our friendship managed to ride out the wave of awkwardness that came in the form of unrequited love in the nascent stages.
It started as a crush so obvious that even he knew that I had feelings for him. But I was lucky that he was a true friend in persisting with the friendship and I am glad that I made the decision to be friends.
I have always been someone who puts family first, followed by friends then, relationships. As much as I’ve been hurt badly in relationships, I’ve always been able to pick myself up and move on. The one thing that truly fells me is the betrayal of friendship; the pain of it kills me more than a failed relationship would.
In any case, I have been truly blessed in my friendship with him. It was only after he left for good, that I truly realized just how much he meant to be. He is, to me, the only man who I’ve ever truly loved. One I (literally) cried myself sick over.
For the 1.5 years that I’ve been doing my masters’, I’ve complained deeply about my lack of a boyfriend and it was only on the night before his departure that I realized that I did have a boyfriend, we just did not have a conventional relationship that had a sexual side to it.
We often went out on a one-on-one basis, in fact, we often eschewed group social events with many of our social friends in favor of spending quality personal time together. He was the one I turned to when I was upset. Even at three in the morning, I knew I could call him and talk and even drive over to his place and cry on his shoulder. He tells me things that he never shares with any of our other friends. He calls for no reason at all, other than just to chat. He makes me do crazy things I would normally never do.
One of our favorite things to do is to have DVD nights. We’d lie on my (our) couch – it’s a long story but the gist is that he claims joint custody of it – and watch DVDS till late. In between, we’d break and have long chats. I could lie on him while watching DVDs and not feel any sexual tension at all. We share the intimacy of a couple who have been married for 50 years without feeling as if the other is “making a move”. He holds my hands publicly and around the uni when I’m cold with no worry if anyone gets the wrong idea. Why? Because we know that we’re truly friends and nobody else’s opinion matters.
And that is why I never ever want to fall in love with him…ever. I want the love I have for him to last forever. I never want to risk losing it with a relationship that I cannot guarantee will last.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
In 2003, a boy- though only half of that heritage was a true Russian at heart - would sing to a girl:
Gori, gori, moya zvezda
Zvezda lyubvi privetnaya
Ti u menya odna zavetnaya
Drugoi ne budet nikogda…
(“Shine on, shine, my only star,
my star of love eternally,
You are my sole and chosen one,
There’ll be no other one for me…”)
But the girl was at conflict with her own self and would not be able to return his love: his obsession, when she could not love herself.
And that was his only fault; that he loved her too deeply. It was a love that was doomed because of its youth and its infinite possibilities. And so she forced herself to say goodbye and walk away from what scared her deeply.
Four years later, she wonders if perhaps she should have taken a chance on that past possibility but it is too late and all that lingers is the faint memory that she was once worthy of love. The only words that come to mind are ironically from him:
Tak zhivya, bez radosti/bez muki/pomniu ya ushedshiye goda
(So I live – remembering with sadness all the happy years gone by)
She wonders how in all his overwhelming passion, did he let his pragmatism overrule him and allow him to let her go and she remembers that the true Russian that he is, his happy ending is in finding out the reason for his suffering.
In the present, she sits in the balcony of her empty apartment at 5.24a.m and watches for a sun that will not rise for another two hours. Cigarette after cigarette she lights and inhales. The cold numbs her but still she waits. Black puffed jacket over pink Hello Kitty pajamas that are incongruent with the melancholy mood that cloaks her. And she borrows her own philosophy from a cheesy movie toast:
Here’s to the men we love
And here’s to the men who love us
Here’s to the men we love but don’t love us
F*ck Them All
So, here’s to us!
Friday, August 3, 2007
Why TRUST is an AMAZING thing
Trust is an amazing thing...
It's a little like Faith. It makes you believe even if everything around you tells you not to. Trust is that little extra bit of good faith and good will that you extend towards someone because that person means something to you and you believe that the person will never do anything to hurt you. It gives you a sense of security in a time of chaos.
It's easy to say you trust someone. But the truth is, trust often lies only on the surface. It's only when you can rest easy at night without the voices whispering and making you toss and turn in bed, that you can say there really is trust. Trust is when the person you love says someone else is gorgeous/beautiful and you don't feel a stab of jealousy because you know that you mean more to the person. The mettle of a person is tested in adversity and it is only then, that you will see if your trust has been warranted.
Trust is not an easy thing to give if you have not been proven that your trust should be given. If you trust too easily, you are either a fool or you have blind Faith.
Atheists, throughout history, have scorned faith out of cynicism. Does that make the religious or believers fools or are they the epitome of Faith? At the end of the day, it boils down to personal conviction. Only you can decide when to extend your trust or have faith.
I love you more than anybody I ever know but I still wish I had never met you because I think life would be a lot less complicated. Yet, I will never trade in the memories I've created with you, both good and bad.
I think in life, one of the hardest lessons we learn is that love is not enough to make a relationship work. Some of us are lucky. We fall in love and we put ourselves out on a line and we are fortunate to be loved in return and the road to making the relationship work is a rocky one, but it's a ship that actually got to set sail. Others fall in love and give their hearts to the ones who don't deserve it or to ones who do deserve it but circumstances make it impossible for a relationship to be cultivated.
Some go through life without ever having to face the hardship of loving and never being loved in return. For others, it is the story of their life: to love and never have the feelings returned.
At the relatively young age of 23, I have experienced the pain of being in love and never being loved in return and it has become the story of my life (for now).
I fell in love with someone who didn't deserve it. Maybe he isn't worth my love but the reality is that, as much pain he's put me through, he will always be someone I will care for deeply.
Day after day, I live with the knowledge that I love him and I will always worry about him and care about him but it will never lead anywhere: Because we have no future together; At least, not in the foreseeable future. I have accepted the reality of the fact that the feelings will never be reciprocated. But it will never change the way I feel.
We love who we love for reasons we cannot fathom. Sometimes it ends in a fairytale ending, more often than not, it's a cross we bear and the perverse part of it lies in the fact that it is self-inflicted.
People tell me that if there is no future, then, I need to distance myself and move on. The truth is: I will never cut him from my life because he permanently owns a piece of my heart. The difference between the past and now is that I know it is an unrequited love. And I'm willing to bear that pain.
It's not self-sacrifice or martyrdom. It is simply the reality of Life.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
A Woman's Downfall
A woman's downfall is that she will always be felled by her emotions. From what I see amongst most of my friends and acquaintances, the girl will always love the guy more than he loves her. A woman can say that she will not allow her emotions to rule her but she is lying or living in denial. At the end of the day, she will not be able to separate the emotional from the physical and she will end up hurt.
A woman's tears can make a man feel bad but it cannot guarantee that it will make him do something to make up for the tears he has caused her. I remarked to a friend that it takes a right woman to change a man but she corrected my assumption with the addition that it takes the right woman to make a man OPEN to changing.
And I wonder how long I'd last in this game. Because I think at the end of the day, my heart's too soft to play the consummate player's game.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I was almost happy again...
There is a certain macabre pleasure in languishing in your own private den of misery. One's id tends to stoke the fires of self-pity and encourages the feelings of "poor me" within. It is a twisted proposition of the inability to be happy unless one is unhappy.
Is it selfish to dwell on one's petty problems? To delve into the minutiae and cling onto every little bit of resentment felt, conceived or otherwise? Given the greater issues of the world at stake, are we perhaps a bit too self-indulgent in thinking only of the self and the now?
If you were the one allowed to issue the choices, then, perhaps you would be better in control. But if you were on the other end of the short stick, and been issued the choice... then perhaps you're not quite as well off as you wish you could be.
A little drama to spice up a mundane life: It's all a tangled web of confusion, uncertainty and yet, that tiny bit of excitement and anticipation is enough to keep you going back for more. Unconsciously, you allow yourself to fall into a vicious cycle.
Till it all unravels...
When it happens, do you play the cinematic “hero” and drink till you forget or will you accept that it is ok to be content with an unassuming life?
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