Free Milk: Is He or Isn’t He?

Ever heard or had your mother constantly nag you with the expression: “Nobody’s gonna buy the cow when you’re giving away the milk for free?” Sadly, as much as it pains me to admit it, Mommy Dearest is not wrong.

Let’s be honest: You give the milk away on a regular basis. The problem with this “enlightened” approach to sex is you’re probably sleeping with a guy and have no idea if he’s your boyfriend. You can’t ask. He doesn’t say. So what do you do?

As with any typical (neurotic) female, you try and figure out which category you fit into…


Category A:

• You are still in the dark about the other girlies in his life



• Gets awkward about introducing you to friends or tries to avoid it if possible



• Gets the “deer in headlights” look when you make the vaguest reference to any plans that are more than 2 days in advance, or any vacation ideas.



• He never sees you without makeup, ever!



• You’re still splurging on the sexy but oh so uncomfortable bum floss and lacy bras. (Hell, your underwear matches!)

He couldn’t be your boyfriend less. Your relationship is purely surface, and you’re always trying to put your best foot (or, since you’re always made up when you two hang out, your best face) forward.

The Good News: You’re in crush mode, the best part of any relationship – you get dressed up, get taken out to dinner, have lots of sex.. The Bad News: You could be destined to become FWF (Friends who fornicate).



VERBALVALIUM LEXICON:

FWF also associated with “SAFETY GUY” who is 1) a male you are sexually involved with who never asks for commitment, and this never bothers you; 2) the lover you introduce at parties as your “uh, friend”; 3) the perfect last minute date for all non-family-related events, work functions, and lonely nights.


Synonymous with Permaf**k; BOOTY CALL


My (Possibly Bad) Advice:

Keep dating. He probably is. But set an expiry date. Looking good all the time can be tiring and a strain on the wallet. *wink*


Category B:

• As far as you know, you’re the only one he is dating although he hasn’t called you his girlfriend yet (but the sneaky bastard could be good at hiding his tracks);



• He introduces you to friends, but isn’t explicit about your status. But you know from sly looks exchanged that the friends have some idea that when he introduces you as a friend, it’s with the “inverted commas”;



• He’s seen you without the make-up; on casual, unplanned hang-out sessions or when you slept over after that big night out and didn’t bring your overnight bag;



• He makes vague promises with regards to longer-term plans or vacations but doesn’t seem that enthusiastic yet;

He’s seen the granny pants aka the plain cotton stuff you prefer on a daily basis, but not often, just when you really can’t be bothered or it’s laundry day.

You’re in relationship limbo. He’ll spend a weekend with you out of town; maybe you’ve met a sibling or two. But will he become your boyfriend? Or will you run into him at a club or some random party and find some drunk chick sitting on his lap with her tongue in his ear?


My (Possibly Bad) Advice:

Initiate The Talk. But be aware: If you tell him you want a commitment, he could run screaming out the door, move to Botswana, you’d never hear from him again. But hey, if you need to know, you need to know. Labels suck but you need to be able to refer to him as something other than your “whatever” (often said with an unintelligible mumble as you’re not sure yourself).


Category C:

• He calls you “Baby” or some other sugary-sweet nickname in public and doesn’t mind if you do the same;



• When you meet his friends, he introduces you and you make plans together;



• Not only shows genuine interest in longer-term plans or vacation plans with you but may actually initiate the idea;



• He’s seen you without the make-up on a regular basis



• You’ve semi-retired the sexy underwear
  

Congratulations! You have a boyfriend. How do I know? Because it’s not so romantic anymore. Sometimes, you can’t be bothered to put on the good underwear before he comes over; he rarely picks up the check; he’s seen you without the make-up on an increasingly regular basis. Then again, giving up the trappings of dating is the small price to pay for intimacy. At least, that’s what your therapist would say.


My (Possibly Bad) Advice:

You don’t need advice. You’re in love. It sucks, right?

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Which category do I fall in? Although it seemed as if I was in category B, (alas, Love makes one blind) I was in Category A. I was always told I was too generous for my own good, but I never figured that “Generous to a fault” could be that detrimental to one’s (emotional) health till now.