I recently read a blog entry by one of my dearest friends who was discussing about the fallacy of men and their inability to commit or to that effect. I have an alternative theory which is that there is NO SUCH THING AS COMMITMENT PHOBIA.
When a man says he doesn’t want to get married, the underlying text tends to mean that he doesn’t want to marry you, not never ever. Unfortunately, most men I know will admit that breaking up with a girl is one of those things that they absolutely hate and try to avoid. Why? For various reasons logical only to their minds (and they call women the irrational sex…) such as the fact that they can’t abide tears or dislike the feelings of guilt that plague them when they see your face crumple up and fall. So what do they do then? They either stay in a dead-end relationship, dragging it out till the girl gets sick of them and dumps them or they start acting nasty, in the hope that the girl will get pissed and do the dirty deed instead. Sneaky? Possibly. Illogical? Most definitely.
Now, this is not to say that all men are the same. There are genuinely guys who cheat or want fuck buddies because they aren't ready for relationships or haven't found the right one yet (that being said, some guys may go through their entire lives never finding the right one or gaining the right frame of mind).
Honey, trust me though; if your man is dragging his feet and won’t commit, I can assure you that there is psychological babble associated behind such behaviour i.e. “Homeostasis”.
Homeostasis
A lot of guys are not comfortable with change. When a guy feels that his needs are met and he is happy with the status quo, he’s not going to want to change anything. Guys believe that you “don’t fix it if it ain’t broke”. They don’t have the same enthusiasm that women do about change for the fun of it or feel the need to jazz things up. For most guys, a set routine is good. Repetition is good. (That’s why video games fascinate them more than they do most women.)
Equilibrium Restoration
So how do you get a guy to snap out of this syndrome? You introduce a huge imbalance into the equation; a metaphorical earthquake i.e. to borrow the expression: “TURN OVER THE APPLECART”. When you upset the equilibrium, he will do anything to restore it back to the original level of comfort he was enjoying. If you say your price is marriage or commitment, he’d pay the price. However, that being said, be prepared to accept the good with the bad. Throwing your cards down on the table has its risks as well. If your gamble pays off, walking away will leave him running after you. After all, Life is a tango, when you keep stepping forward, the other party will step back. So taking a step back will allow the other person to step forward. If you walk away and he does not come running after you, then you’d know that he never would have come round to committing to you or giving you what you want, no matter how long you stuck it out in the situation.
Of course, it is never easy to walk away from someone, especially if you love the person. Breaking up or walking away may result in you being single for awhile and some people are not comfortable with that. You need to weigh out the pros and cons; is it really worth staying in a dead-end relationship that leads to nowhere? Ultimately, you’re just wasting precious time till you or him get sick of it, or you remain forever in situ; neither of which is worth it.
Sometimes, we have to go through a little hell to get to heaven. No one said it was easy but seriously, why prolong the heartache? The new cannot come if the old does not go. You never know, the perfect one for you who will give you what you want/need is out there but just needed the right timing and circumstances to occur.
Of course, those of you who have followed this blog may think that I’m being hypocritical given that I, myself, have been unable to let go of the “deadbeat” in my life. The truth is, I have thought about it many times: to end things or walk away. I may talk big but emotionally, I am a coward. I admit that I am not ready to let go of him. I’ve tried but the depression that descended on me went beyond mentally and emotionally to the point it was affecting me physically. That being said, it doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything at all. I do my best to meet other people, I go out and have fun with friends, and I try new things. However, it’s still taking me time to build up that courage to walk away and accept that there is a very real chance he won’t care. I know that time is running out for me. My most significant reason for coming back here is no longer valid and it’s time to move on, whether I like it or not. Maybe it’s better to rip the bandaid of quickly and get it over with. But for now, my fragile heart is more accepting of telling myself that I have till the end of the year and then I’m gone. Maybe I’m dragging out the suffering in a masochistic manner but it’s the best way I can find to cope for now. Less than a year for a miracle to happen or for it to truly be the end of us (not that there ever was an “US”).
When a man says he doesn’t want to get married, the underlying text tends to mean that he doesn’t want to marry you, not never ever. Unfortunately, most men I know will admit that breaking up with a girl is one of those things that they absolutely hate and try to avoid. Why? For various reasons logical only to their minds (and they call women the irrational sex…) such as the fact that they can’t abide tears or dislike the feelings of guilt that plague them when they see your face crumple up and fall. So what do they do then? They either stay in a dead-end relationship, dragging it out till the girl gets sick of them and dumps them or they start acting nasty, in the hope that the girl will get pissed and do the dirty deed instead. Sneaky? Possibly. Illogical? Most definitely.
Now, this is not to say that all men are the same. There are genuinely guys who cheat or want fuck buddies because they aren't ready for relationships or haven't found the right one yet (that being said, some guys may go through their entire lives never finding the right one or gaining the right frame of mind).
Honey, trust me though; if your man is dragging his feet and won’t commit, I can assure you that there is psychological babble associated behind such behaviour i.e. “Homeostasis”.
Homeostasis
A lot of guys are not comfortable with change. When a guy feels that his needs are met and he is happy with the status quo, he’s not going to want to change anything. Guys believe that you “don’t fix it if it ain’t broke”. They don’t have the same enthusiasm that women do about change for the fun of it or feel the need to jazz things up. For most guys, a set routine is good. Repetition is good. (That’s why video games fascinate them more than they do most women.)
Equilibrium Restoration
So how do you get a guy to snap out of this syndrome? You introduce a huge imbalance into the equation; a metaphorical earthquake i.e. to borrow the expression: “TURN OVER THE APPLECART”. When you upset the equilibrium, he will do anything to restore it back to the original level of comfort he was enjoying. If you say your price is marriage or commitment, he’d pay the price. However, that being said, be prepared to accept the good with the bad. Throwing your cards down on the table has its risks as well. If your gamble pays off, walking away will leave him running after you. After all, Life is a tango, when you keep stepping forward, the other party will step back. So taking a step back will allow the other person to step forward. If you walk away and he does not come running after you, then you’d know that he never would have come round to committing to you or giving you what you want, no matter how long you stuck it out in the situation.
Of course, it is never easy to walk away from someone, especially if you love the person. Breaking up or walking away may result in you being single for awhile and some people are not comfortable with that. You need to weigh out the pros and cons; is it really worth staying in a dead-end relationship that leads to nowhere? Ultimately, you’re just wasting precious time till you or him get sick of it, or you remain forever in situ; neither of which is worth it.
Sometimes, we have to go through a little hell to get to heaven. No one said it was easy but seriously, why prolong the heartache? The new cannot come if the old does not go. You never know, the perfect one for you who will give you what you want/need is out there but just needed the right timing and circumstances to occur.
Of course, those of you who have followed this blog may think that I’m being hypocritical given that I, myself, have been unable to let go of the “deadbeat” in my life. The truth is, I have thought about it many times: to end things or walk away. I may talk big but emotionally, I am a coward. I admit that I am not ready to let go of him. I’ve tried but the depression that descended on me went beyond mentally and emotionally to the point it was affecting me physically. That being said, it doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything at all. I do my best to meet other people, I go out and have fun with friends, and I try new things. However, it’s still taking me time to build up that courage to walk away and accept that there is a very real chance he won’t care. I know that time is running out for me. My most significant reason for coming back here is no longer valid and it’s time to move on, whether I like it or not. Maybe it’s better to rip the bandaid of quickly and get it over with. But for now, my fragile heart is more accepting of telling myself that I have till the end of the year and then I’m gone. Maybe I’m dragging out the suffering in a masochistic manner but it’s the best way I can find to cope for now. Less than a year for a miracle to happen or for it to truly be the end of us (not that there ever was an “US”).
3 comments:
you should write a book about this babe... and one year is enough to win someone over :)
I used to be like that and didn't even realize it! I write about the same thing on my blog if anyone is interested:
http://lovelifeandthelawofattraction.blogspot.com/
I am like that... "commitment phobic"...
I have never had a gf (i get in that terrible state after a couple of dates), exept on vacation.
When i come back from vacation, same thing again...
I will give you benefit of the doubt, it may be a conflict between feelings (i dont want her) and head (i want her... she's good to me, i dont want to be alone)
One thing is sure, "commitment phobics" suffer and cry through separation.... and this ambiguous phase is not fun, as your life is filled with drama, and as you loose control of your actions (nobody consciously decides to hurt someone who loves them).
Also commitment phobics have trouble staying in jobs and choosing shoes.
You can explain that for partners and jobs... but what about shoes?? how do you explain that?
I myself remember so many times, buying a pair of shoes, paying for it, then asking to echange it for another pair on the spot. Somtimes i have trouble deciding.
Well maybe you can have the same explanation, of not being in touch with your feelings... that is wanting one pair, but your head deciding for the other pair...
I have a different theory on how to defeat CP... the CP must trust the partner with his feelings when he feels them, ie he must make the step and tell her that he loves her... when he feels it... when she starts to drift away due to his behaviour.
It is a gut feeling that tells me that if had told my gf that a week after we parted, we'd be back together and happy without anxiety. But as i picked up the phone to call her, I was faced with an intese fear (understand; FEAR not anxiety)... I dont know what fear that is... but i'm pretty sure that if i'd had faced it we'd be a happy, trusting couple now. But i didnt. I spoke to her after, and she said she would have accepted my offer and i could trust her with my love.
Once i missed this opportunity to "connect" the girl with my feelings, and a bunch of others, due to fear. The anxiety started to set in.
Now the anxiety is (in my opinion) impossible to defeat, exept with medication and therapy...
DONT try to fight it, you will loose control and sabotage.
I think one of the basic component of CP, is that they disconnect the relationship from their feelings, they just act perfect... but their feelings are buried deep withing, and they cant experience, love, lust or anytying UNTIL the girl is gone, that's when everything comes gushing out (and that's the right time to finally trust her with your feelings)
Maybe CP is actually a rebellion of your true self that you repress so much during the courting (in favor of the "perfect lover" you)
In that case, it's not that the girl is not good, but it's that the guy went overboard in pleasing her and burned out.
Or maybe the CP has just too high expectations out of life (due to a lifetime of daydreaming)...
Lots of people seem have some sort of CP at some extent.
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