Watching Stars without you, My soul Cries

Pride can stand a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars without you
My soul cries

Once I dreamt of forever with you but the tides of change came and swept those romantic idealisms away and now, I’m left standing alone; wandering if maybe pragmatism was a plain mistake…

Yesterday, my brother took the plunge and signed up for the ol’ “ball & chain” and he did it on a bended knee and a big silly grin on his face. I suppose, to those who are still running away from any semblance of commitment, especially in the relationship department, my brother’s actions are akin to that of an innocent man willingly stepping before a firing squad or signing your own death sentence. To be honest, I think like all girls, it’s been ingrained into me that there is a certain age when the biological clock starts ticking (in overdrive) and society (specifically your family) starts nagging at you to start showing signs of settling down and finding a significant other. Of course, once you get there, a whole new round of nagging starts on the subject of marriage and eventually, children. Oh…if only we could just split down the middle like amoebas and avoid the whole nagging process. But then again, I would have to be honest and say that there are other benefits to not being asexual like the amoebas. (Yes, I have a filthy mind, or rather, YOU have a filthy mind…)

In any case, my brother’s engagement has left me feeling nothing but the greatest joy for him and for my new future sister-in-law but their engagement does add another number to the growing tally: My cousin (and God-brother) is getting married in May next year; I recently attended a friend’s engagement dinner (last week) and the wedding is in October next year (of which, I am the Maid of Honour); during the winter break in July, I attended a friend’s wedding and other engagements and weddings that have happened in the past year or so… Suddenly, it seems like my “nearest and dearest” have suddenly succumbed to the “wedded bliss” mania and have started a sprint down the proverbial church aisle in a pattern that is beginning to resemble a mass migration pattern. For the single girl like me, it does not bode well at all… (even if I am getting to the age where all my peers are starting to pair up and making it legal)

Amidst the girding of my mental health against the nagging attacks I fully expect when I do return to Singapore for a well-deserved break after being done with Uni (forever! Or for the near future…), I started an unintentional meander down Memory Lane and was brought back to a time when I too, felt a similar mien to everyone else on the “Wedding Race”. Of course, I was young(er) then and did not think too much about marriage beyond the big frou-frou wedding and 21 is too young (for me anyway) to be wed. Still, the pain of calling off a wedding is still significant, even if you are the party responsible for being the “love-wrecker” but I still stand by “better the love-wrecker than the love-wrecked”.

In any case, I digress…

I found myself reminiscing about a time when love to me was young and idealistic and I lived for the day when I would put on that white dress and walk down the aisle and become Mrs. So-and-So. To be very honest, the engagement ring probably left the strongest impression in my bling-obsessed Mynah-like mind but the memories of feeling like you have found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with did come creeping back into my subconscious like a cheating husband sneaking home to bed. I remember a diary entry I wrote just after we had ended things and the feelings were still raw; Oh! How in love I (thought) I was then…

July 10 2005


How do you know when you’re in love with someone?

When you pray more for that person than you do for yourself;
When that person is away from you for more than an hour, you miss them.
When you carry that person in your soul everywhere you go.
When they smile, you feel that your world is going to be fine.

On the way back to Singapore, I caught a movie called ‘Diary of A Mad Black Woman’. I loved it. It was a really powerful and emotional drama that really caught my heart. It was a movie that made me cry at parts. A vacation is something you go on to relax yourself. But sometimes, when you’re relaxed, it gives yourself time to think.

I’ve had a lot of time to think and what troubles me is that you are constantly in my thoughts. Mostly, I guess because Japan was one of the places we were going to visit together. I remember how we used to speculate if the both of us could pass for locals in Japan because of our small eyes. And it happened. I was mistaken for a local twice while I was there, and each time I thought of you.

It rained for the first three days that we were in Kyoto. The tour guide told us a little anecdote about how her grandmother used to be happy when it rained because she could walk under an umbrella with her husband in rain rather than three steps behind as was the usual custom. She also told us about how drawing an umbrella with a guy’s and girl’s name written under it was a popular graffiti design among youngsters as a symbol of their love. All of these little tales only led me to thinking of you more. I remember an incident last year in Melbourne. It had started raining heavily while we were out and we were sharing an umbrella. It was really gusty and you held the umbrella with one hand while you put your other arm around me so that we would fit better under the umbrella. Thinking back of that incident makes me melt inside because I remember how concerned you were about making sure that I didn’t get wet.

In Osaka, a visit to the Kaiyukan Aquarium brought more thoughts of you rushing into my heart. I saw a very young couple in the aquarium on a family outing with their toddler. The guy kinda reminded me of you and how scarily close we came to being them. It also reminded me of the time we went to the Aquarium in Sydney. It was one of the most fun-filled days of my life, walking around Darling Harbour pretending to be tourists and just being silly and having fun. When there were more laughter than tears and there were no damning silences.

In Tempozan Village, I rode the Giant Ferris Wheel. As we rose higher and higher in the air, I got scared but even as I reached out for your hand to hold, a part of me realized that you were not there. Not like the last time we went to the amusement park, and you held my hand instinctively before I could reach yours, and without making fun of my silly fear of the Ferris Wheel.

At the Floating Garden Observatory, I felt like I was on top of the world. Seeing the rest of Osaka spread out beneath me. As the sun set in the sky, I felt a sense of calm and peace overcome me. I felt how it was to be a small organism in a vast world. Mostly, I felt a sense of freedom and exhilaration. And underneath it all, I instinctively thought of you first and how it never bothered me how big and scary the world was, as long as you were there with me throughout it all.

Wherever I went, it evoked memories of you and the instinct of how much I would have loved to renew old memories and share each new experience with you…

All these memories of our past
Linger in my heart
Unwilling to let go of what I hold dear
Thoughts of you follow me constantly.
Wondering all the time if I was wrong
Is this love or residual feelings?
I’m so confused.

Missing you, needing you.
Not knowing what I really want;
How do I live without you?

Present Day Thoughts: But Life did go on and 2 years on, I made it without him. Qui Vivra Verra; C'est La Vie.