Special in HIS eyes

On 6 June 2005, I experienced my first pain of true heartbreak. Not the insipid self-pitying bouts of teary fits that one goes through with each unrequited crush, but the kind that strikes you with little warning or fanfare. On an ordinary day with no extraordinary circumstances. Like a undetected time-bomb that had reached 00:00, the deceptively fragile walls surrounding my heart shattered and I lost the veil of denial and suppression that had been cloaking my emotional realm.

8.24a.m on a wintry Melbourne morning, waiting at Tram Stop 127 on Lygon St for Tram No. 1 to take me to the Examination Venue for my Financial Accounting paper. There was nothing particularly abnormal going on beyond the usual stress, tiredness and general grouchiness that cloaks one in a coiling miasma of doom and gloom. I had my iPod turned up loud as I attempted to drown out the chaos of the real world; in the midst of listening to Mr Richard Lee drone on about the merits of the various accounting compliance practices, something in me snapped at his 19th incantation of "self-governance"; if I was a frail old biddy named Minnie living in Victorian times, one could say that it was the moment my "nerves were shot".

Till today, I still have not pinpointed the exact reasons for my unforseeable (and definitely undesired) emotional meltdown. It could have been the stress of my course load during my final semester of my B. Comm (Accounting); it could have been the miserable winter dreariness; it could have been the general feeling of isolation and increasing apathy I was cultivating...whatever the reasons, they weren't new symptoms that were drastic enough to evoke such a reaction.

Suffice to say, I have no recollection of taking my Financial Accounting Paper and am still in awe of the fact that I not only managed to fill an exam scriptbook for such a mind-numbingly boring subject but actually managed to do it with adroitness. The ensuing days were a convenient blur and the jury is still out on whether I actually managed to recover fully from that episode.

In any case, writing has always been one of the outlets that has provided me with the means of catharsis without ever having to face the embarrassment of actually having to show any sign of weakness to anyone of my acquaintance;at my darkest moment, when there seemed to be no one to save me from drowning in a sea of my own self-induced abyss, I took a stab at throwing myself a life-line. Whatever I poured out that night to the white screen of my computer must have worked because I'm still here today blogging about it.

Two years, five months and 3 days later, that little piece of work surfaced just when I (unconsciously) needed it. I stumbled upon it while cleaning up my external hard-drive. The foolish girl who first authored it is not quite the same one anymore (and is hopefully less foolish) but the strength and hope I drew from it then is still valid in the current circumstances:


And we know that all things work together for good to them that love GOD, to them who are called according to his purpose.

-Romans 8:28

It’s a feeling that constantly resides in me: this feeling that in a world full of sparkling diamonds, no one will notice a dull, unpolished stone like me. It’s a feeling that I battle constantly. It’s as if I am unable to accept it as my lot in life and often, I fight desperately to steal some of the limelight while others gain it effortlessly; so passed my growing years. Part of growing up is not just being self-aware but being aware of your surroundings, it is only when you learn that there are others in the world more important than you, that you truly learn to be gracious about your lot in life. There are six billion people in the world and not everyone can be in first place; learning to accept that you’re not meant to be first is a first step into not feeling inadequate constantly. If I never come first in anyone’s life, I will appreciate the fact that I know there is someone out there who holds a special place in his heart for me; GOD.

Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

-Psalms 37: 4,5

It’s not always easy to accept that you’re ordinary because everyone likes to believe that they are special in their own way. I’ve tried fooling myself with that but I realize striving to find something special about myself only leaves me feeling more inadequate and inferior when I realize that I am not special in that area. So, here I am, learning to accept that I’m average. All I ever really wanted was to be special in someone’s eyes. Maybe I went looking in the wrong places because in every place I looked, all I found was that someone else had already occupied the special place that I thought was meant for me.

Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

-Mark 9:23

Somewhere out there, there is someone who likes me for me. Somewhere out there, there are many others who are not meant for me. In life, I will meet many people; people who will warm my heart, people who will break my heart. Even if I think I’ve met the right one, God may think otherwise. Truth is, nobody really knows what the big scheme of life is. But you can’t give up because you are scared of being hurt.

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

-Philippians 4:6-7

I’m not shy to admit that in life, I’ve met with many disappointments. I’m battle-worn with emotional scars, both old and new. Some took a long time to heal, some healed quickly. Even some that never really healed at all. But I won’t give up the good fight so easily. I’ve cried, I’ve questioned, I’ve rend my soul a thousand times; pouring out endless sorrows and woes into a journal that no one will read. Yet, at the end of the day, I go back to the one source that gives me the greatest comfort- God. And I ask Him to heal me where I have been unable to patch the wound myself and He hasn’t failed me. The spoils of victory aren’t always what we have our eyes set on. But if you open your eyes wide, you’ll see that you have not fought for nothing. Along the way, you reap rewards that you may have been too myopic to notice but they are there. Some are intangible and invisible to the naked eye, but if you listen to your heart and what God puts in there, you will see that all is not lost.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

-Isaiah 26:3

And I am humbled by how GOD has given me so much, even though I give Him so little of myself in return. Of all the times I have disappointed God, but yet, he has never ceased to love me unconditionally: the times when I accused Him of not being there for me, when he has been. In His infinite wisdom, He knows when I am ready and sometimes, there are lessons to be learnt. If I learn to accept his will without question, I would be better off. I’m not perfect and I’m still learning but I know, He’ll always be there for me.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be trouble, neither let it be afraid.

-John 14:27

With so much on my plate right now, I haven't had time to actually slow down, catch my breath and evaluate the emotional state I am in; studies, exams and work have taken over my life. But while I had forgotten about myself, there was still somone out there watching over me and when He saw me getting increasingly lost in the darkness, He sent a little flicker of light my way to show me that I was never truly alone.

Faith is a funny thing...you never truly know how strong it is till your instincts kick in.