Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
It's been over a month since I got on an airplane bound for home... It was a hurried departure that felt abrupt but yet was months in the planning. My reluctance to leave made me leave packing till the last possible minute; a choice entirely unwise for one who travels with lots of baggage (emotional and otherwise). Needless to say, I was rushed and unprepared and entirely frazzled all the way to the airport. The first moment of peace I got was after I had plopped down into my cramped plane seat. Unfortunately, that little moment of peace evaporated quicker than ice in the Sahara when I felt the the first tear roll down my cheek; it wasn't quite the stray, isolated tear either: being quickly joined by another and then another...basically a continuous flow throughout my 7 hour flight home. Dehydration, though, was the least of my problems.
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
It's been over a month since I got on an airplane bound for home... It was a hurried departure that felt abrupt but yet was months in the planning. My reluctance to leave made me leave packing till the last possible minute; a choice entirely unwise for one who travels with lots of baggage (emotional and otherwise). Needless to say, I was rushed and unprepared and entirely frazzled all the way to the airport. The first moment of peace I got was after I had plopped down into my cramped plane seat. Unfortunately, that little moment of peace evaporated quicker than ice in the Sahara when I felt the the first tear roll down my cheek; it wasn't quite the stray, isolated tear either: being quickly joined by another and then another...basically a continuous flow throughout my 7 hour flight home. Dehydration, though, was the least of my problems.
Before you know it you’re frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy
Somehow, I didn't how we said "Goodbye". I, especially, didn't like the fact that everytime I leave, it's always in the midst of a huge drama or under extremely unhappy circumstances. Being back home felt strange; the feeling of being in a familar room but the entire room had been rearranged and nothing was in its old spot. Re-integrating myself back into the family was overwhelming; trying to hide the pain of leaving a huge part of me behind in Melbourne while trying to show that I was happy to be back and seeing my loved ones.
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I Keep bleeding
Only in the middle of the day when everyone has slunk off to their own purposeful, busy lives that I was left to contemplate the mess that was my love life. Perhaps I was doing myself no favors and being a tad masochistic in reading and re-reading the email he sent my on Christmas day every single day but somehow the one piece of communication that hurt me the most was also the one connection that I had left to him. Each time I read it, I felt raw and overwrought and I would come away from it with new doubts and different conclusions. I was going crazy missing someone so much but the only face the rest of my world saw was the plastered-on smile.
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
Distractions I had a few: friends from overseas who came to visit, helping me to ease the homesickness; knowing that I was a canary stuck in a gilded cage: one forced in after it had its taste of freedom but that's another story for another day. I also had the gym...I was training 3 days a week and running 6 km, 5 days a week. At times, it felt as if I wasn't just running to lose the weight but I was trying to run away from my problems. I was obsessed: I was going to get thin or die trying...Anything if it meant that I'd finally get what I want. My friends thought I was crazy and hiding my lack of eating was becoming harder but somehow, it was the one thing that I had control over and I clung onto it fiercely.
But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy
Then, one month after I left, you call me just when I'm overseas trying to forget you by partying as hard as I can...and in one moment, everything I had fought so hard to gain; everything that I had tried to suppress or forget came crashing down like a House of Cards. I couldn't speak as I felt the huge lump in throat; so much to say and so much feelings rushing around in my heart and head. I was scared yet happy: wondering if you were playing mind games with me again or if you really did miss me. But overwhelmingly, the one feeling that stood out the most was how achingly much I miss you and wished I was there with you.
Just when I thought it was safe to come out from under the covers, the dark looms again...Making me gasp in fear; wondering if I am right to be scared or if I am just being silly.
Show me a definite sign that I'm not the biggest fool for hanging onto my feelings for you... Please.
