It's OK to date Mr RIGHT NOW because he could turn into MR RIGHT as long as his first name isn't ALWAYS...

All I ever wanted was you for me…

Love comes in the strangest form and often comes unannounced like an unwelcome guest. We all had our “ideal man/woman” and had a list of attributes (physical and otherwise) about what we wanted in that person. I’ve since learnt that you cannot really have a checklist of specific things you want your Mister/Miss Right to have. Firstly, even with six billion people in the world, the odds of you finding someone who fits that exact list is still pretty slim; Secondly, we never really know what we want till we experience it; Thirdly, we do not actually know ourselves or how our lives will turn out (with this person) and we’d still be discovering ourselves till the day we die. Fourthly, this is REAL LIFE and you do not always get (exactly) what you want.

I’ve always had the belief that it is ok to go out with MR. RIGHT NOW because he could very well turn into MR. RIGHT in the future. It’s hard to find the missing piece to your puzzle and to turn down any prospective piece just based on superficial knowledge is just plain over-picky. How do you know that “with trial” the piece could be shaped to fit into your puzzle? Nowadays, finding a partner requires some DIY customization; they do not come perfect upon first purchase. However, I do draw the line at dating the person if he’s first name happens to be “ALWAYS”.

Unfortunately for me, I not only fell for the guy who has settled very comfortably into a seemingly-permanent role of MR. RIGHT NOW but one whose first name happens to be “ALWAYS”. Yes, I royally screwed myself over (or maybe Life and the Fates had a hand in it) by going for MR. ALWAYS RIGHT NOW.

Cos’ that player who I’m with don’t give a f*ck about me…

I wish I could justify the (then temporary, now seemingly permanent) leave of my senses by saying it was just a brief flirtation that ended after a short fling. It’s been almost two years now and I’m still clinging onto the metaphoric Titanic of our relationship for dear life; not just clinging, mind you, but ignoring the passing rescue ships that have tried to haul me to safety (and sanity).

Let’s just say any attempts to walk away and move on to greener pastures have failed dismally. I suppose there are many shades of green in the world, but in my warped myopic mind, I have been moving onto shades of green that are more dung-brown than anything else. I once mentioned to a friend that often in Life, many marry to better their circumstances; otherwise, there is no point. Alas, if I could apply the same logic in choosing my potential Mr. Rights. Everyone has some semblance of preference in choosing a significant other; in my case, my type seems to be anyone who is “f*cked in the head” i.e. if you’re a bastard, I’m definitely interested. I know that I tend to do things in the extreme, but even I have to stop being so delusional one day, and realize that it’s not healthy to be with a “player who don’t give a f*ck about me”…

All I ever wanted was to be there for you…

Did I also mention that in my eagerness to show said person how much I loved him I have basically morphed into “Martha Stewart on crack”/ “Betty Crocker before the Betty Ford Clinic”/ “Every Fantasy Barbie”/ “Good P****** Wife”, etc. Basically, for this one person, I have aspired to great heights to learn how to be creative in the kitchen; tidy the person’s room every chance I get (like a good chambermaid at the Sofitel); offer to drive the person everywhere and almost developed an eating disorder and lost 14 kilos in the last year, just based on a comment he made in an extremely inebriated state. I’ve also stayed over the Christmas period two years running, instead of going home, in order to not miss his birthday.

Should we all shake our head in disgust and say that he’s an absolute bastard and doesn’t deserve me? Wrong…The shame lies on my part because he never asked me to do any of those things. I did all of it willingly because I wanted to show him how much I loved him. The word “blame” ends with the letters “M” and “E”; so, if there’s any finger-pointing to do, there is no one to point at but me, the one with the biggest dunce cap on.

If anyone has ever read “Why Men Love Bitches” or any self-help relationship books along those lines; you’d know that the first basic rule of a healthy relationship is that any relationship is about “give-and-take” between both parties; not one party giving, and the other just taking. No prizes guessing who decided to go with the latter definition of what “give-and-take” means.

Suffice to say, everything I did was not enough to make him give me more. At the end of the day, a person has to like you for who you are and not what you can offer in terms of “fringe benefits”. I suppose, one of the lessons I have learnt is that if a man really decided on life partners based on domestication, then, he is better off hiring a maid, then looking for a girlfriend/wife/life partner/significant other. And to give credit to the male species, they are becoming more adept at cooking/cleaning, etc for themselves (if they can move past the laziness) and do not really need a woman for all that.

Cos’ that b*tch who you with don’t give a f*ck about you…

Yet, a part of me knows that the man I’ve fallen for is superficial; I think the women he has picked over me has definitely proven that point. Beauty and physical attractiveness i.e. not being Tubby McFatty is something that does matter to him when he takes into consideration any candidates for a relationship. Am I a fool for then, deciding that I will do what it takes to give our relationship a real chance? I think I’ve done almost everything I possibly can already to try and win his heart based on very slim chances. Now that I know that being a few sizes smaller will give me a real chance, a large part of me is determined to lose that weight.

Call me crazy, but I cannot give up till I’ve exhausted all my options. Maybe he’s not worthy of the effort and maybe I should not be fighting so hard for something that appears “not to be” but I do know that for reasons unfathomable to me, my heart has chosen and I am willing to drop the pounds if it means I’d get the man my heart has set itself on.

I’ve probably contradicted everything I’ve written in the past before. But I do know that it is a harsh world that we live in and sometimes, it’s just easier to stop fighting the world and do something pro-active about correcting whatever it is that is causing you the greatest angst.

If Beauty is power, then, I’d be a fool not to do everything I can to maximize my advantages.

If I get my man, good for me; If I don’t, I did my best and I’d have my health…

Farewell, the old me. That girl leaves in one day and will not return the way she was.

A Girl Deserves More

When a GIRL is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind. When a GIRL is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply. When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around. When a GIRL answers " I'm fine " after a few seconds ... she is not fine at all. When a GIRL stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying. When a GIRL lies on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a GIRL wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered. When a GIRL says " I love you " ... she means it. When a GIRL says " I miss you " ... no one in this world can miss you more than that. Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person .... Find a guy ... who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who calls you back when you hang up on him; who will stay awake just to watch you sleep; Wait for the guy who ... kisses your forehead; Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Who turns to his friends and says, “That’s her!! "

Recently, the above was posted on my Fun Wall on Facebook… (Alas, yes, I am one of the mindless lemmings that have fallen into the sinkhole that is Facebook addiction.) I normally ignore things posted on my Fun Wall as they tend to be a version of SPAM mail but the above really caught my attention.

As mentioned before, the path of love never did run smooth for me. Then again, I am a drama queen so no surprises there. In any case, I recently attended a party where someone I used to be involved with, the girl who tried to wreck our relationship and the current “flavour du jour” in his life were all in attendance. I went with the idea that we were all adults and that I would be mature i.e. I would be civil to both the ladies mentioned above. Surprisingly, the relationship-wrecker was pleasant and made an effort to be friendly and we had no dramas with each other. Unfortunately, “Flavour du jour” despite being the oldest, had problems with acting her age (proving that age is never a true indication of maturity). She basically cut me point blank and gave me death stares all night. She could not even manage a simple polite “Hello”. I am guessing they ran out of simple courtesy the day she was hatched.

The rest of the party was not unpleasant for me - I had my own little fan club that tragically seemed to be in it mostly for my cookies; there was plenty of alcohol and other good company and a double apple shisha pipe set up - other than the few awkward moments when our paths would cross. It got to the point where the inner bitch in me was ready to snap and I was so tempted to wipe the smug smile off her face; all I had to do was tell her not to be too happy because he was cheating on her. Not that anyone who knew him would be surprised. I’ve known him longer than she has and he’s come running back to me more times than she’s been with him and yet she holds on to the delusional idea that he belongs to her. But I couldn’t do it because I knew she would be leaving and while it would give me great pleasure, it was not my place to be the one to break her heart or cause more trouble in their already shaky (loosely-defined) relationship.

Yet, as I stood there watching her with my feeling of smug superiority, I could feel the feeling fade as I realized to myself that I really had nothing to be proud of. So what if he has come running back to me many times? At the end of the day, I was still his dirty little secret in the entire duration of our relationship. Yes, he had the ability to make me feel attractive and desired at times but at the end of the day, I do not really want a guy who thinks I’m hot. I DO WANT someone who thinks I am beautiful just the way I am (both inside and outside), even when I have bed hair or sleep wrinkles on my face.

Nobody ever wants to be the other woman that a man cheats on his girlfriend with, nor does she want to be the ever-willing booty call for a total player…and yet, for him, I’ve been put in those roles. Yes, a mistress sounds like the sexy, glamorous one…But I’d rather have the "boring" security of being the publicly-acknowledged significant other in a Man’s life. I want to be not just #1, but the only one.

Simply because...as the commerical goes, I'm Worth It.

Fashion A.D.D

I am a serial cheater. The concept of fidelity is utterly foreign to me… when it comes to my wardrobe.

I have Fashion A.D.D. 80% of my wardrobe is less than 3 months old. Despite having a wardrobe and a whole spare room crammed full of clothes, I constantly lament that “I have nothing to wear”. The normal (logical) person’s purchase evaluation process typically follows the stages of information search, product evaluation (which includes price) followed by purchase. My purchase evaluation process is every marketer’s (specifically visual merchandiser’s wet dream): The typical train of thought for me is “Ohhhhh pretty!” followed by me blithefully taking it to straight to the counter for purchase, unless of course, I am distracted by some other shiny, sparkly thing. This results in me having items in my wardrobe that still have their tags on it. I fall instantly in love with a product’s presentation and purchase while still in a haze of infatuation and then, promptly leave it in my wardrobe with the other (past) objects of momentary desire. They lie there squashed and forgotten till it’s time for my spring clean (which generally happens every two – three months and conveniently around the time I run out of closet space).

I know it sounds like an extravagant waste for me to have such blatant disregard when it comes to spending (squandering) on clothes but I seriously have a short attention span when it comes to fashion. My commitment and level of faithfulness to my wardrobe is sadly not correlated to the price-tag of said items. I have days when my logic does not go on a vacation when I am shopping (though they are rare) where I try and justify the price and need for any item of clothing. Sadly, again, in my fashion-addicted (addled in the opinion of some); “need” is loosely defined as anything that I want or develop crushes on. Window shopping for me is buying everything in the window. I cannot live without fashion…I am nothing if I cannot be Barbie.

Do not get me wrong. I am not some brand whore who will only dress head-to-toe in labels. I may give many the wrong impression of being high-maintenance purely due to the creed I live by: “It is ok to be late for class but it is not ok to rock up without my make-up and hair done, dressed fashionably and finished off with a smashing pair of heels” but the truth is, I am a big fan of Target (mockingly pronounced as Tar-zhay) and Big W (for non-Aussies, it’s like Wal-Mart). The key to putting a look together in my opinion is in accessorizing. How you put together an outfit matters: with the right accessories, a $12.98 dress from Big W looks like it came from one of the high-end boutiques while a $1298.00 dress could look like an op-shop buy if not carried off well.

In any case, in my recent wardrobe clean-out, I finally decided to let go of some of my past neglected loves. It is often hard to let go of loved ones in our past, but sometimes, it is important to get rid of unnecessary baggage. So far, I’ve managed to clear out about two big suitcases of clothes and I am yet to start on my bags and shoes yet. I normally like to give them away to charity, specifically this women’s refuge my friend works for as I hope that in doing so, someone else will fall in love with them and they can move on to a more fulfilling relationship in which they are cared for. However, my daddy has recently informed me that my decision to remain in Australia after graduation is an indication to him that I’m all grown up now and no longer requires his support, and therefore he is withdrawaing his financial assistance. Hence, I have no choice but to play pimp this time and sell my darlings on e-Bay. *SIGH*

On the bright side, I now have more capacity to fall in love with others. Learning to let go is something that we often have trouble with, but when you have little expectations and learn to do what is right for you (despite the reluctance to let go of the past and/or accept change). There is a saying in Mandarin that translates into “If the old doesn’t go, the new doesn’t come”. Now that I have let go of the old, I have now been happily (well, not in the case of my bank account) adding to my collection of “Don’t be jealous I’m hot, Bitch”. Recent additions include a gorgeous Alannah Hill Couture dress that will be spending a memorable night with me at my graduation dinner along with a beautiful Cue dress in a striking magenta that squeezes my coke-can bottle into the illusion of a coke-bottle that I will be debuting at my Office Christmas party among others. The best part is, they, unlike their predecessors, do not say “It’s Vegas, Baby” or “I work on King Street (for non-Melbies, King Street is the stretch where you’d find all the strip joints or so-called gentlemen’s clubs)”. I am very pleased because in contrary to popular opinion, I am not “Every Fantasy Barbie without the Blonde Hair” nor do I aspire to be “Paris Hilton but smarter”. (No offense to her as I think she is smarter than given credit for.)

Sometimes, in the most frivolous, trivial and small things in life, you learn valuable lessons. About a month ago, I was unable to let go of a past love the way I was unable to get rid of a gorgeous but useless dress from my collection. But circumstances made us part ways (by the former’s choice and by the untimely demise of the latter fashion past paramour of mine). It wasn’t easy but I learnt to live without either. Yet, a month after the former told me to “eff off”, he was the one who contacted me and said he missed me. As with my former fashion paramour, I was recently given a much better replacement for it. Similar but improved; just as reconciliation with the past love is on favorable terms for me.

Disillusioned with the male species: I need to start having lesser faith in them.

Men are Mars, Women are from Venus. It’s such an understatement. I swear, as long as I’m concerned, we might as well be from vastly-different far-flung galaxies. Yes, I know that modern society has seen a convergence in male/female behavior when it comes to traits that were once mutually exclusive to each sex but at the end of the day, call a spade, a spade.

I admit that at this point in time, I am perhaps not at my most rational and is feeling rather incensed at the opposite sex. Perhaps it’s just bad timing or maybe bad things are meant to happen in threes but in the past two days, I’ve had three unpleasant encounters with friends of the opposite sex that has left me with a somewhat irrational conviction that the opposite sex are all (Insert your favorite derogatory term). I know it’s unfair to generalize but at this point, I am beyond weighing out the validity or fairness of such a sweeping statement.

I’m not saying that I’m entirely blameless at all but sometimes I wish that bad things wouldn’t happen all at once and leave you feeling like you’re trapped in a rapidly-enclosing ring of fire with no chance of escape.

I am not feeling at my best at the moment; I recently had a falling out with a cousin who often blows hot-and-cold with me. I suppose I am tired of her treating me like crap and thinking that she is entitled to it because she’s older. I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated like a human substitute for an emotional punching bag, even more so if it concerns blood.

If that wasn’t enough, I get a call from a friend, whose callosity has been a constant bone of contention, who as usual, managed to be insensitive and annoying without even trying.

Monday being the start of a new week was no indication of a fresh (and better) start: a good friend of mine and I had a miscommunication problem due to a cultural and language difference. Ultimately, the frustration of being misunderstood left me in tears which infuriated me further.

Needless to say, I was, at this point, pretty much feeling that I had hit rock-bottom but of course, Murphy’s law requires that fate should kick a dog when it’s down, and my hopes of salvaging what was left of the night with plans to hang out with a friend fell through as said person ended up blowing off plans with me after pushing plans back for the third time… Maybe I was putting way too much stock on it but being blown off just felt like utter rejection. I know I am not his girlfriend and cannot expect (reasonably) to be his op priority but when I show the value I place on our friendship by setting time aside to spend time with a friend, I do not think it is unreasonable to expect some measure of the same respect in return. I was basically left feeling like I was not even on the list of consideration of priorities at all, which is not a good feeling for a friend to feel.

If I were to be perfectly honest, I would say that I was especially upset because this friend and I had only recently started talking again after a month of "walking away from each other" and I suppose, his decision to make the first move to reconcile had left me with false hopes that maybe this time round, he would treat me a little better. It has not even been a week and he's already showing signs that " a leopard never changes its spots".

I suppose if I hadn’t already had such a bad day: feeling entirely misunderstood, wretchedly tired and just in need having one person who didn’t seem to be “hating on me”, I would have been less sensitive and not taken it so hard but unfortunately, it was just one of those days where you shouldn’t have gotten out of bed. It is probably sheer coincidence that all my run-ins happened to be mostly with my male friends (given the higher proportion of male friends that I have) but it still left me feeling very much like a “man-hater” and wishing fervently that the Amazons were the dominant race.

My cousin (a girl) was nice enough to listen to me rant and rave; she even accompanied me for a midnight trip to the pancake place so that I could “comfort eat” away my disgruntlement and I do sort of feel better now that I’ve had a(n unneeded) sugar and fat fix.

But as it always is with me, I had an epiphany along the way… One of the reasons why a lot of girls feel the need for a boyfriend is because when you’re feeling crap and like nobody cares about you, your boyfriend is the most probable person who will think you are perfect the way you are and is the most likely person to tell you: “There, there…It’s all going to be ok.” I know we all have friends who can fulfill the same role but I guess it’s just never quite the same as having someone making you feel like you’re number one, especially if someone else has made you feel that you aren’t a priority at all.

Sometimes, it really does not matter if you do countless good things everyday that goes unnoticed…all it takes is one bad thing to happen (unintentional or otherwise) and suddenly, all eyes are on you and the fingers are pointing accusingly. And the worst is when you're too tired to even argue any more.